


the cost of falling

by margoB



Category: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, basically ive seen this movie 3 times and ive fallen in love don't @ me, but in another more truer sense i am not, dinah is so so patient, everyone acts hard but is actually soft, helena is a lesbian and doesn't know how to act, helena is conflicted and gay (and horny) and we love that, im sorry for this, possibly?, yeah i love them so what
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22825648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/margoB/pseuds/margoB
Summary: helena has spent her whole life hunting down the men who killed her family, so she never really learned what it's like to want something for herself. never learned how. but now there's dinah. and helena has never wanted to be more selfish.basically i've seen BOP 3x and was possessed to write this. lez go bois
Relationships: Helena Bertinelli/Dinah Lance
Comments: 148
Kudos: 438





	1. helena is tired and dinah is patient

**Author's Note:**

> yeah okay i'll say it. i love helena/dinah and im gonna provide. i was raised to serve my wife (wives) and that's what im gonna do. i know yall other clowns are out there. this is for you.

Helena was tired. It’s not like it was anything new, she was usually tired, but lately her exhaustion had felt different. No amount of sleep helped, though to be fair, she rarely got enough of it, especially now that the Birds of Prey crime fighting trio was really taking off (in the sense that Gotham was so full of crime that they never really had a break).

Looking in the bathroom mirror of her studio apartment, the dark circles under her eyes seemed particularly apparent. Soon, she thought, she might not even have to put on her classic Huntress eye makeup. It was a funny thought to her, but not enough to make her crave the feeling of being fully rested any less. Yeah, this exhaustion was different, it had to be, she was sure of it. Perhaps she was tired of something. The only problem was she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

Her phone rang, startling her out of her intense observation. “What,” she snapped. 

“Jeez, H, wake up on the wrong side of the bed like always?”

The saying took a moment to click, and she would’ve been angry with Dinah for poking fun at her, but she was never really that angry with the girl, she had found. “No,” she snapped again, defensively. She took a deep breath. Dinah didn’t deserve her anger. More calmly then, “I just-- I can’t find my… toothbrush,” she mumbled, staring right at her toothbrush resting on the sink. 

“Alright, well, get down to the warehouse. Montoya’s got another potential case.”

“Why didn’t she call me herself?” Helena was being difficult and she knew it and she didn’t know why or how to stop. 

“She knows you only answer when it’s me.” 

Helena could hear Dinah’s smirk from miles away. She felt her face get hot and she wished this was easier, though she wasn’t even sure what this was. Honestly, she wished everything was a little easier for her. Things like smiling and making friends and talking to people. Talking to Dinah in particular felt even more difficult than usual as of late, but Helena didn’t like to think about that. “Um, okay. I’ll be there soon,” and she hung up without another word. 

Looking back to the mirror, she met her own eyes for only a moment before turning away and going to get ready. 

On an off day like this one, Helena didn’t have to do a whole lot to get ready. Of course, she still came prepared with her suit and her crossbow and all that jazz, but she only folded her clothes neatly before placing them in a duffle bag with her weapons on top. Weapons always went on top. She had to be prepared. Always. 

It was how she was raised to be, and it had worked for her, and if something worked then why change it. Better safe than sorry, Lena, a voice echoed in her head. Brow furrowed, she pulled a small pistol from her bag and gingerly tucked it into the waistband of her pants. She wasn’t about to let go of everything she had learned now just because her previous life-purpose had been completed. Who would she be without her past? Without everything she carried with her? Did she even want to know? 

Helena shook herself out of her head. It was time to go. There were other people that needed to be caught. Punished. And there were other people that would be hurt if she didn’t do something about it. The world wouldn’t slow down for her, so she always had to be one step ahead. Move quick, Lena, if you are the quickest no one will catch you, no one can hurt you… More lessons began jumbling her mind, the exact opposite of what they were supposed to do. It had to be the exhaustion, closing in, making Helena’s shoulders tense. So she took a couple deep breaths and started moving again. One step ahead. Don’t let it catch up.

Just as Helena began to head down to the parking lot of her apartment building, she remembered the terrible fate of her bike and clenched her jaw. It’s not like she regretted helping Harley, in fact, it had felt good, but that didn’t mean she didn’t miss what had been a sort of trusty companion. 

A motorcycle. Her companion. It was ridiculous the things you could become attached to when you didn’t have anything else. 

The whole battle with Sionis had only happened about two weeks prior, and since then the Birds of Prey had been almost nonstop busy, so Helena still hadn’t a chance to get a new ride. And, yeah, it wouldn’t be a huge issue except that the warehouse they were using as their headquarters was across town and well, cabbies could be talkative, and Helena didn’t like talkative, so that left her with one other option. 

Frankly, she felt ridiculous riding the bus. Today, thankfully, because there weren’t any planned missions and she could try her best to appear more casual (though she never truly succeeded at that, or at least it never really felt like it) it wasn’t as bad, but that wasn’t saying much. And still, she imagined everyone was staring at her, and yeah, sometimes they were but mostly they weren’t. As Huntress, she didn’t mind commanding attention because it might mean people saw her as confident. That’s what she wanted, right? For people to respect her, to recognize her as a force to be reckoned with. But in plain clothes, on a lazy day, Helena desperately wanted to be left alone.

She kept her muscles tight, fists clenched in her lap, back never completely resting against the seat. She didn’t like the vibration and anyway, being fully relaxed wasn’t a great idea. She just wished the ride was a little faster, that’s all. Everyone looked so introspective on buses, like they wanted time alone to reflect or something, to decompress. All Helena wanted was the opposite. No thoughts for once. No worries, self-consciousness. No anger. 

Across the aisle, a woman with a nose ring smiled at Helena. What did she want? Why was she smiling? She was pretty, not that that had to do with anything but it was true. Helena looked away then looked back. Something about the girl made Helena think of Dinah, and then she found it too hard to make eye contact. Scowling, she turned away toward the window, watching the Gotham streets blur by. 

The only upside to taking the bus was that she only had to take one to get to the warehouse. She still had to walk about ten minutes, but Helena didn’t mind it. It was quiet and gave her time to try to think about nothing at all, though she usually failed. See, she had trouble not overthinking. It felt like every single thing that had ever happened to her, and everything that could potentially happen in the future was always on her mind, running around and around and around. Was that why she was so tired? 

She was too tired to think about it.

Helena let herself into the warehouse, not bothering to call out to the other girls. They were always in the back where a makeshift sort of conference room with a couple of whiteboards and cork boards had been set up to keep track of whatever case they were currently working on. At least, that was the intended use of the room, but Dinah had brought in a couch at some point and Montoya kept the mini fridge stacked with beer, so sometimes when they were supposed to be working, a little bit less got done than what could have.

It drove Helena crazy. 

Not only because she was meticulous in everything she did and somehow lounging and relaxing didn’t come very natural to her, but also when she wasn’t keeping busy, she didn’t know what to do with herself. It scared her. Her whole life she had worked towards one thing, and it had given her purpose. Now, when she was working with the Birds of Prey, she got a similar sense of purpose, but sitting still didn’t bode well with her. She needed to feel alive, and she felt that most while taking care of bad guys. It was just her way. That was how she had always gotten by. How could she change now? Was she even able to? Change. Sounded like a lot. And she was fine anyway, so what did it matter? Right? 

(Right?)

“Jesus, Bertinelli, you look like shit,” Renee said while Helena threw her duffle bag into the corner of the room. 

“Shut up, I haven’t been sleeping well,” Helena snapped back. But it wasn’t exactly true. The night before she had slept soundly for around nine hours, more than she could have hoped for even. But still. Tired.

She wished more than anything she could explain that feeling to someone, but she didn’t know how to explain it the right way, and even if she managed to articulate herself, which would be a miracle in itself, she was worried that whoever was listening wouldn’t understand. That they wouldn’t try to understand. She knew that she was a little off, she’d heard people say it before. But that didn’t mean she was some kind of feelingless robot. It was just hard. 

“You okay, H?” Dinah spoke up from the couch. 

Had Helena been quiet too long? Sometimes she couldn’t tell. “Fine. I’m fine.” 

She dropped down into one of the chairs that ringed a circular table in the center of the room. Spine straight against the backrest, hands folded on the table, Helena felt her blood begin to pump excitedly through her veins. Time to work. “So what’s the lead?”

“Well,” Renee began, smacking her bottle of beer down on the table (neglecting the coasters that Helena had placed there specifically for that purpose), “I’ve been hearing shit about this guy who’s been recruiting kids to be his little lackeys, right? Running errands for him, dealing drugs for him, picking up mysterious packages, shit like that. No one suspects a kid.”

Helena was listening intently, a slow rage beginning to fill her from the bottom up. Kids. “What’s his name?”

Renee sighed, “That’s the thing. I don’t know. I’ve only been getting bits and pieces so--”

“You know all this shit about him but you don’t even know his fucking name?” Sometimes Helena’s anger was all-encompassing, consuming anything and everything within range. It was always on the backburner, but it didn’t take much for it to fully emerge. When it did, it hurt and she hated it. But she couldn’t help it. She just couldn’t.

“Hey, Helena, calm down a little,” Dinah said. When she wasn’t stirring the pot herself, she tried her best to keep the peace. “Renee got the location of what might be some kinda stronghold of his gang. She wants us to stake it out, while she goes and talks to one of her contacts,” she explained easily. 

Helena didn’t like that it felt like Dinah was trying to placate her. She could take care of herself, she wasn’t a kid. But, she supposed she had just lashed out and this was a good way to keep moving, get more info, and catch the motherfucker that was doing all this. Okay, yes. A plan. Helena could do plans. 

“Okay. Okay. I’m um-- Let’s do that. That sounds good.” Helena’s sentences were clipped, embarrassed at her outburst only slightly, but again, she was unsure of how to get a handle on her rage, if it was even possible. Another wave of exhaustion washed over her, causing her posture to fall just the slightest degree.

As always, Dinah was an astute son of a bitch. Though she was still reclined on the couch with her boots crossed at the ankle over the armrest , she eyed Helena almost warily, noting the slump in her shoulders, if only because she’d never seen an ounce of fatigue visible on the girl.

Helena, also astute, trained for it, could feel Dinah’s watchful gaze. She had begun to feel it more and more lately actually, in moments when Dinah probably thought she wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes, if she was feeling bold after the group had busted up some criminals, she would return the eye contact. Holding it and holding it. And it spread something through her. A slow-building but quickly intensifying burn that spread from her toes, up through her legs, and settled low in her stomach. Amongst other, more private places. Places that hadn’t felt it appropriate to awaken in more than twenty years but seemed plenty keen on feeling some type of way anytime a certain songbird looked Helena’s way now. She wondered what Dinah was feeling when she looked at her like that. And she wondered why she wondered. 

But it was only those times, already on a high, that Helena let herself feel these things because well, it felt dangerous. And it felt new, and new was scary. Helena rarely felt afraid of anything, could only remember a handful of times since that one day in her childhood that she had felt scared, and she didn’t like it. But, more than anything else, more than anything in the world, Helena hated feeling out of control. And god, did Dinah make her feel so so out of control. As a result, she chose not to engage too often. Besides those few moments after a battle. And maybe a few times again, later those same nights before she fell asleep, heat rising to her cheeks and burning her core. Helena indulged for minutes only, as much as she could bear without needing something more, thinking of Dinah’s voice and eyes and dainty fingers that seemed to lend more to a pianist than to that of a fighter. 

Of course, she was more than a fighter. Much more than just that. 

This moment, however, had not come after a battle and Helena didn’t deserve a reward, so refusing to be caught in a moment of weakness, Helena straightened and ignored the gaze that was calling out to her. It took more strength than some of the more grueling fights she had been involved in, and the realization of that put more weight in her resolve to resist.

“Where’s the base?” Helena asked, clenching her jaw once more and forcing the lingering discomfort from showing on her face. 

“A penthouse at the top of the Verona hotel, that fancy place over on the west side. Way too fancy for a buncha kids to keep being spotted coming in and out of there,” Renee almost seemed to be thinking aloud to herself. By now, Helena was well-acquainted with the detective’s odd little quirks like this one. She was always on investigation mode, and Helena had a lot of respect for the dedication. And quite frankly, for Renee’s intelligence. 

Upon spying the coaster-less, perspiring beer bottle staining the table, however, she thought about changing her mind.

“How are we supposed to get our eyes inside the penthouse though?” Dinah jumped in, easily bringing Renee’s attention back to their immediate surroundings, quieting the gears turning in the detective’s head just enough to articulate to more details to Helena and herself.

“Good question.” Renee touched her nose with the index finger on her left hand and pointed at Dinah with the other, making it clear that she had thought about this and had most definitely already worked it out but wanted to make it explicitly clear that she was clever for thinking of all obstacles. 

Helena wanted to roll her eyes, but it wasn’t a gesture she had ever learned to do all that smoothly. Dinah seemed to have to hold back a smile as well.

Renee continued, ignoring the other two who quite obviously had to resist the urge to make fun of her, “There’s an old, abandoned office building across from the hotel that goes up just high enough for the two of you to get a good look across the way. I’ve got some gear for you guys to use, couple of scopes and shit is the best we’re gonna get. And then we can reconvene later, tell me what you guys saw, and hopefully I can get more outta my guy.” Renee clapped and started shoving some miscellaneous papers into her bag, indicating the meeting was wrapped up.

Helena, however, had one more question. “So, if we see this guy doing something shady, we can engage right? We just need a little proof then we can smoke the guy.” She could feel it again, that sense that she was doing what she was made to do, doing what she was good at. Everything in her body tensed immediately, muscles ready to go, to act on reflex and years of strategy ingrained into every fiber of her being. No more thinking. She released a breath in a whoosh. It was freeing. Coming out of her head and into her body. 

But, her high came crashing down only an instant later, as Renee simply said, “No.” 

Any semblance of happiness faded back into nothingness as a more frustrated feeling took its place in Helena’s body, holding onto her shoulders so tightly that she could hardly move. “What? Why not? Dinah and I can easily handle a couple of fuckheads bullying kids!” She swallowed hard, attempting to get ahold of her anger, but she could still feel it rising in her throat like bile.

Even Dinah seemed confused, standing from the couch and coming to stand at Helena’s side, “Yeah, we can probably get this guy. Especially since we’ve never even heard of him. Must be a nobody if he can only manage to wrangle some innocent kids into his business.”

Helena found herself appreciative that Dinah wasn’t just thinking about the case, but the fact that the sooner they did this, the kids of Gotham might be at least a little safer. 

Renee held her hand up so that Helena couldn’t interrupt as she started speaking. “The thing is, I don’t think it’s just a couple of bullies. I’m getting a feeling that this runs deep, and I want us to be careful before making any moves, okay?” She waited expectantly. 

Okay, so yeah, Helena had fully intended on arguing the point further, but she swatted away the hand still lingering near her face regardless. Then, without thinking, she turned to Dinah, who to Helena’s surprise, was already looking her way. They exchanged a wordless conversation that happened so fast Helena didn’t have time to wonder when they got close enough to do this. 

Dinah, with only a glance, eyes soft but her brow firm, seemed to tell Helena that this was probably the best way for now, but that they weren’t going to rest until they stopped whoever was at the helm of this operation. Helena only nodded. 

“Alright,” Dinah said, “Recon only, then. We can manage that.” 

And Helena, at the time, agreed. She had done innumerable stakeouts. This couldn’t be too different. It wasn’t exactly what she wanted (she wanted to severely injure, if not kill, multiple men), but it was still work. She was still working towards something, and that’s what mattered, right? 

Except, one thing that she did not foresee making a difference for this stakeout in particular, was Dinah.

It wasn’t even that Dinah wasn’t being distracting, or well, she was, but it wasn’t her fault. It’s just that Helena seemed only to get distracted when the other girl was around, and it drove her mad. 

The minute they made it to the top floor of the abandoned building, the two set up the equipment they had in silence. Dinah had set up her scope with relative ease and walked away, navigating through the cubicles and returning very quickly pushing two office chairs. She plopped down in one of them and spun around a couple of times, seemingly amused that Helena was struggling with the task and couldn’t get the legs of the stand extended. “Need some help?”

“I got it.” 

Silence, then, “Do you?”

“Yes.” Well, no. But it was just a fucking tripod. It wasn’t like it was rocket science. “Just--give me a sec.”

A few moments passed, and Helena could still feel Dinah’s eyes on the back of her head. And a different kind of anger filled her, very unlike the purposeful kind that she lived for, the kind that was useful for missions. No, this kind was reckless, difficult to tame, and when it reared its head, Helena honestly didn’t care to try.

In a haze, Helena gripped one of the legs of the tripod and went to swing it over her head to smash it on the ground, with enough strength to break it to pieces, but just as her arm reached the maximum height of rotation, a hand gripped her wrist, effectively stopping her. Dinah. Of course.

The hold on Helena’s wrist was tight, it had to be to quell the reactive force, but loosened almost immediately, allowing Helena to jerk back out of reach. And, because she felt she needed to say something, Helena said, “What the hell, Dinah?”

“What the hell? Really? You’re being ridiculous, just let me help,” she said, taking the stand easily from the crouching, defensive Helena and moving closer to the window in front of the girl to finish setting it up. “You can’t force the legs out, you have to push these little buttons and then slide them out, but they’re just a little sticky is all…”

Dinah was trying to instruct Helena, pointing out the necessary parts and such, but as soon as she had gone to bend over to work on it, Helena had quickly turned the other way. Face beet red, hands shaking 

It’s just, Dinah always wore those goddamn tight pants, no matter what they were doing, and they were distracting. Helena wanted to watch Dinah fix the stupid fucking whatever it was (she couldn’t even think of what they were doing, she was trying so hard to focus on anything but the figure in her periphery), but she knew that if she looked, she would end up looking at Dinah’s dexterous fingers and she would think about what else they could do and she would see Dinah’s ass because come on, it was right there, but ogling her without her knowing felt supremely inappropriate and--

“H, are you even looking?” 

“No.”

“I’m listening. And watching the door. For. Intruders.”

“I think we’re fine,” Dinah said slowly with a raised eyebrow. “We were careful coming up. And I can only imagine how hard it would be to sneak up on you of all people.” 

Helena turned to Dinah, then. Was that a compliment? Or an insult somehow? Helena couldn’t always tell. “What do you mean?”

Dinah finished with the stand, then screwed the scope on top, finally turning around and reducing the temptation in Helena to stare. Thank god. “I just meant you’re always on high alert. And I get why.”

Helena was quiet, thinking. Did Dinah really get it? Or did she just think she gets it? Was there finally someone who actually wanted to understand Helena? What would the consequences of that be? She must’ve been quiet for a little while, but Dinah was patient, waiting. 

Brow furrowed and eyes cast down, Helena must have still looked confused enough to warrant clarification because Dinah gently tipped Helena’s chin up with a couple of long fingers and said, “Hey, I meant it as a good thing. Your instincts have saved my ass a million times already. I’m never gonna be one to complain about something that’s part of you.”

Oh. Wow.

The words sent a million other thoughts through Helena’s head, but she pushed them down in favor of the feeling of Dinah’s fingers still lingering under her chin. It spread warmth through Helena’s entire body. And anything she wanted to say caught in her throat. Where were her instincts now? Where was her decade of training when she was under fire from a threat that she hadn’t ever considered facing previously. She absentmindedly wondered if Dinah could feel how hard and fast her pulse was beating through the soft skin under her fingers. It was probably one of the few parts left on Helena’s body that wasn’t hardened by muscles or scars. A vulnerable point. And of course, Dinah could find it without even trying. 

Finally, Helena choked out, “Oh. Thank you.”

Dinah laughed what looked like effortlessly, stepping back and dropping down into her chair. “Don’t worry about it, Crossbow Killer,” she joked, bringing a scowl to Helena’s face. “Let’s get to work, yeah?” 

And maybe if there hadn’t been some type of moment just before (though what kind of moment, and why and how it happened and whether or not she could make it happen again, Helena couldn’t say), Helena wouldn’t have noticed Dinah’s hard swallow and the slightest quaver in her voice on that last syllable. 

But she did notice. And she knew it took a lot to affect the voice of such a powerful songbird like Dinah, as her voice seemed tied to her soul somehow, and Helena wasn’t sure what she thought about souls or if she believed in them but she knew that Dinah’s was almighty and all but unshakeable. 

Had Helena been the one to shake it? Was it possible that Dinah could be affected by Helena in the same way that Helena was by her? It couldn’t be. Dinah probably had her pick of the lot, whereas Helena… well, Helena had spent her entire life hunting down a handful of terribly cruel men, so dating and the things that come along with it had hardly ever even crossed her mind. 

Only within the last few years had Helena realized men did absolutely nothing for her. And women did everything. But she had shoved it down for a while, a long while, the need for revenge outweighing all else. Now though, with her purpose less clear at times, more time on her hands, and, she should be honest with herself, with Dinah being around almost constantly, it was too easy for her to get distracted. 

Way too easy, she realized, seeing that Dinah had already adjusted her scope and was looking through it, notebook at the ready in her lap. Helena followed her lead. Dwelling on the matter, especially now (especially ever, she tried to correct herself) was useless and dangerous. They had work to do. She would always have work to do.

For a long time, there was no activity in the penthouse. They saw two guards just inside the entrance, flanking the door, but besides that, no one had come in or out. There was no indication that the guy, whoever he was, was even inside, besides the presence of the guards. 

“Where the hell is this guy?” Dinah mumbled under her breath, one of her eyes still affixed to the scope, the other one closed. 

Rhetorical question. Helena had learned very slowly that you weren’t supposed to answer those. 

Helena shook out her shoulders, which had grown a little tight from sitting for so long, and then continued watching. She was good at watching. Good at waiting for the right moments. She’d had to do a lot of it, and it paid off now. Yeah, she’d rather be in the process of beating the guy to a pulp, but this was okay too. She didn’t mind it. Having a task was keeping the exhaustion at bay, and also she was too busy, too intensely focused, to think about Dinah. 

Until the tapping started. 

Holding her pen loosely between her index and middle fingers, Dinah had begun tapping out a rhythm on the notebook in her lap. Normally, Helena would be annoyed because she was sensitive to sounds and it didn’t take much for her to feel overloaded, especially when her focus was elsewhere and needed to be 100% solid. But again, Dinah was distracting for a whole other set of reasons. 

Helena pulled back from the scope, eyes instantly locking in on Dinah’s hand. Thankfully she was distracted, or actually not distracted at all, with observing the penthouse, so Helena figured she could afford to look. For just a moment. She could control herself. She could.

Dinah’s fingers were long and thin, and obviously dexterous, effortlessly controlling the pen to do as she pleased, sometimes spinning it with a flourish, and not even then did she need to look away from her watch. Multitasking had never looked so simple before. And those fingers. They were a dream. Specifically the dreams that made Helena wake with a start at the exact wrong moment, shirt sticking to her torso with sweat, underwear sticky between her thighs. Helena didn’t have much experience, or any at all really, but she imagined she could take a couple of Dinah’s fingers at least, and she had to swallow hard and clench her eyes shut to prevent that image in her head from escalating any further.

Then, just when Helena thought she had herself under control, Dinah began to hum a melody to go along with her beat. The woman was music incarnated. Helena began to doubt her thoughts on whether or not souls were real when Dinah was right there. She was soul.

And Helena was a trained hunter, okay? A trained killer with exceptional senses and instincts that couldn’t be denied. So her eyes followed the sound, leading her gaze right to Dinah’s mouth and full lips. 

She must be a good kisser.

Had she kissed a lot of people?

Probably.

Would she want to kiss Helena?

Maybe not. But Helena could imagine it. Both of her lips closing around Dinah’s plump bottom one. Angling in for more pressure. Opening her mouth just a little wider to tease Dinah’s tongue with her own. 

She was breathing faster now, unsure if she’d ever wanted something this badly before. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. But this was different. She had never wanted something for herself this much. Everything that came before was for her family, it was her duty, she had needed to do it and so she did. It had made her into something unrecognizable, but she was still here.

But this, oh god. It was selfish. To want like this. And dangerous. But, but, but-- her heart wouldn’t stop making excuses. 

In her daydreaming, she hadn’t realized how much time had passed and that Dinah was no longer looking through her scope but rather was staring back at Helena. 

Helena cleared her throat but was mortified that no justification came forth. What was she supposed to say? You’re hot, and I’m sexually repressed? Would that do? No. Not good.

Helena couldn’t look at Dinah, staring at her clenched fists in her lap, searching for something, anything, to help her, but of course, there was nothing. Her shoulders were so tight she thought maybe her bones would snap from the pressure. She shouldn’t have indulged herself. She shouldn’t have even let herself look, let alone space out like that. Would Dinah even want to be around her anymore? Would she lose one of the few people that she had come to care about in the weird way that she was capable of? This was what she got for letting her control slip. This was her doing. She had to fix it. But how?

She gave herself five seconds. Five seconds to come back into her body and mind. Five seconds to feel what she needed to feel. Five seconds. That’s all you need, Lena. After that, you have to act. Any more time and you’ll lose your courage. You’ll lose everything. Pull yourself together, Lena, no one else will do it for you.

She took a deep breath then looked back into Dinah’s eyes. As she opened her mouth to speak, she was struck by the look on the other girl’s face. 

Something about it was different. Helena couldn’t get more specific than that. To be fair, she wasn’t always great at reading emotions. Figuring out if someone was telling the truth or not? That, she could do. Emotions, though, were a much harder ballgame. To some extent, it had always been like that for her.

But, she didn’t want this moment to slip away, and that was her biggest clue. That something was being shared between the two of them. 

Dinah’s pupils were blown, eyes dark, lips parted just slightly with the hint of a smirk wanting to appear, but perhaps holding back for Helena’s sake, trying not to scare her off. 

Yeah, Dinah wanted something. And Helena wanted to give it to her.

“Dinah…” Helena said, basically at a whisper. “I don’t--I don’t know how to do this.” She was frustrated at herself and even more so for admitting her inexperience. What if she was reading this wrong?

Dinah stood up from her chair and walked close enough to Helena that their knees were just brushing. This was probably the only time that Dinah had ever been taller than herself, and she wasn’t sure what to think about that, but to be fair, she was having trouble thinking coherently at all. Still, it was overwhelming, and she felt tinges of panic begin to tickle her chest, threatening to close her airways, threatening to make her lose control. Her fingers gripped the armrests of the office chair so tight she thought she might rip them off. But she couldn’t help it.

And maybe Dinah noticed, maybe she didn’t, but she knelt down far enough that Helena was slightly taller once more, lightly placing her hands on Helena’s knees. It was still a lot, but it helped. 

“Helena, are you okay?”

She nodded. 

“You don’t look like it,” Dinah half-joked. 

To be fair, how could Helena be fine when Dinah was that close? How could she remember her name even, or what they were doing here? All of it was fading, the edges blurring, if only so Helena could focus solely on Dinah. But she couldn’t say that. 

“Well,” she shifted, “I don’t know how to… I just wish I could--” Helena huffed. Why couldn’t she find the words? At this point, anything would do as long as it was a coherent sentence.

“Why don’t you just tell me what you’re thinking? Whatever’s going on up there, the first thing that comes to you,” Dinah made it easy on Helena. As easy as could be at least. 

“Okay, um…” Helena began, still obviously thinking too hard.

“Don’t think about what you’re thinking! Just tell me,” and Dinah smiled sweetly, encouragingly. Though there was still a hint of a smirk, like maybe some part of this was a little funny to her, it was more so in an endearing way, because Dinah may have been tough, hardened around the edges, but no part of her was mean-spirited. Rubbing her thumb ever so softly back and forth on Helena’s thigh, she waited. 

And that’s what did it.

“I think you look really nice today,” Helena blurted. 

Dinah definitely had to hold back a laugh now. “Well, thank--”

“I think you look nice everyday.” Helena’s eyes were wide, like all of this was coming unwilling, like a dam had broken. 

Laughing, shaking her head a little, Dinah said, “How does anyone think you’re scary?”

“Hey, I am scary! I- I kill people! I’ve killed a lot of people. And I have so much combat training that sometimes it feels like that’s all I know. But I want to know other things. I want to do other things. I want to know I’m capable of other things…” Helena trailed off, realizing she might have said a lot and that the look on Dinah’s face was now a little more inquisitive. 

“Like what?” Dinah asked, that fucking thumb still making Helena feel like she was going to jump out of her skin. But somehow in a good way? Yeah, definitely good. 

“What?” Helena felt like she was in a fever dream, could hardly even recall what she had just said. 

“What do you want to do, Helena?” And Dinah was so forward that it should have been easy, so Helena tried to let it. Be easy. 

And maybe it was. 

“I want to kiss you,” Helena whispered. 

“I think you should.”

It was clear that Dinah was letting Helena make the move at her own speed, for which Helena was both grateful and frustrated. She wished it was out of her hands. She wished it was already happening so that she didn’t have to think so hard about what to do. 

Helena didn’t realize she was tensing up again until she felt Dinah’s hand move from her knee to one of her own hands still on the armrest. Dinah folded her long fingers around Helena’s large, calloused hand and brought it to her face. Still making it easier on Helena. 

Helena wasn’t sure if she deserved it, but it was a start. It was a plan. She could follow that. 

She moved her other hand to cup Dinah’s right cheek, both hands now on the songbird’s face, and though her movements were still a little jerky, she could feel some kind of instinct kicking into gear. Not tactical strategy or anything like that. Just following what her body wanted. It was almost simple. 

Dinah’s eyes stared into Helena’s, the molecules in the air between them charged with energy, and Helena could still feel that burning. Or maybe it had never stopped. Probably the latter. 

And once again Helena was grateful that Dinah seemed to understand what Helena needed without asking, without Helena needing to say anything at all. Dinah was staying stock-still, patiently waiting for Helena to lean in. 

Blocking out a million training lessons that were trying to fill her mind, warning her about the dangers of vulnerability, of letting someone get close, Helena began leaning down to where Dinah was waiting for her, eyes closed softly, fanning her eyelashes over those glorious cheekbones. 

Just as their lips were almost brushing, close enough that Helena and Dinah were sharing a breath, a red, circular light glinted off one of little rings that adorned Dinah’s hair. 

Oh shit. 

Helena pushed Dinah to the ground, falling on top of her, just as the bullet shattered the window. Hovering over Dinah in a sort of plank position, Helena held herself up just long enough to shield the other from the glass raining down around them, then rolled off immediately, body heated, anger rising in her chest. Even worse, her head felt jumbled, courtesy of being taken by surprise for quite possibly the first time ever, and she had to physically shake it to try to bring herself back into the situation. 

Her first coherent thought was that she was stupid. Stupid for thinking that kissing Dinah was a good idea when they had a job to do, when they would always have a job to do. She knew better. That was all that could be said. But they could talk about that later.

“What the fuck was that?” Dinah asked, looking surprisingly unfazed, but ready for action. She was crouched below the window, a few tiny shards of glass tangled in her hair. 

“I don’t know,” Helena said, glad that her voice was firm. “But we have to get whoever it is. He spotted us, and if this operation runs any deeper, we’re gonna want to keep our identities safe.”

“You’re right.” Dinah dug around the bag Renee had given her. “Fuck, why didn’t Renee give us a fucking sniper?”

“Probably because she didn’t trust me to not shoot the guy we’re looking for,” Helena deadpanned, “But that doesn’t mean I can’t shoot this asshole.” And she pulled a fully assembled sniper from her own bag, lining up the shot using the window to steady herself.

Dinah’s jaw had dropped open slightly, and Helena wanted to smile. It wasn’t often that Dinah could be caught awestruck. If that’s even what her expression meant. But she had to fucking focus. Distraction is how they got into this mess in the first place. 

Helena’s hands were shaking. They almost never did. Fucking Dinah. 

Okay, refocus. Deep breath in, line up the shot, release, shoot. Easy as pie. (She’d never made pie, but she had shot many a man before.) 

And the anger was back. Full force. Whoever this fucker was had just tried to kill Dinah. Helena wouldn’t let him get away with it. Through the scope she saw that the guy in the penthouse, one of the guards who had been at the door earlier, was still reloading. 

Fucking amateur. 

Helena took a deep breath and on the exhale, she pulled the trigger. The guy went down instantly, his blood spattering what glass was left in the window frame of the penthouse. And as soon as it was over, the fight left Helena’s body instantly, and she stumbled back, falling from her squatted position onto her butt. 

Dinah rushed over. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Helena snapped back, hating herself for doing it but feeling like she needed to. It was a way to get back in control. “Just felt weak for a moment,” she explained, realizing that it couldn’t be more true. “But I’m fine now. We need to go.” 

Even though she looked slightly disbelieving, Dinah nodded. “Yeah, we should tell Montoya what happened. Hopefully she got some info we can use.” The because we obviously didn’t get any was left unsaid by the both of them. 

It made Helena wonder if Dinah regretted what happened between them. Of course, nothing had actually happened. But it would have, right? Where would they be if things had gone differently? She felt a pang in her chest and shoved it down, reminding herself that she shouldn’t care. Couldn’t care. When she did, shit like this happened. It just wouldn’t work. 

“Helena?”

Fuck, she’d been quiet again. 

Dinah was standing over her now, holding out a hand for her to take so she could pull her up. And Helena thought about ignoring it. Thought about jumping to her feet and rushing out after whoever it was that had gotten away. And she thought that might be better. For everything. 

But she was tired. And Dinah was being nice. And truthfully, if Helena was going to cut herself off, which she planned to, she wanted one last touch. What harm could it do now? 

Helena took Dinah’s warm hand, letting the shorter girl pull her to her feet. It brought their bodies close together. Their hands lingered for a moment, palms fitting together almost perfectly. Like the way gears in a machine rotated together. Making the whole thing work. It made it harder for Helena to remember her lessons. 

But she could remember the red light on the side of Dinah’s head. She could remember the panic she felt. She could remember that their mission was to save who knows how many kids from someone who definitely didn’t give a shit about their wellbeing. 

She remembered this mission had been butchered by one weak moment. And Helena jerked herself backwards a step. “Uh, we should probably pack up.”

Dinah released a breath. Was she disappointed? Did she care? “Yeah, let’s go.”

Fuck.


	2. helena and dinah talk but mostly it gets more complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unfortunately, there's still no kiss but rest assured, i hate myself for it

The ride back to the warehouse was quiet. But that was probably expected. 

It wasn’t necessarily tense, but something just wasn’t quite right. There were too many unsaid words lingering in the air between Helena and Dinah, like both girls wanted to say something but didn’t know how to begin. At least, that’s how it felt to Helena. 

Dinah appeared much more relaxed, wrist draped over the steering wheel of her vintage convertible. Harley had returned it not long after pawning off Helena’s family diamond. She probably wanted something a little flashier. It was to be expected of her, and Helena didn’t really mind. The family funds had more than she could ever spend.

Though the top was down, the wind seemed to work with Dinah, blowing her long hair gracefully behind her, making her the picture of beauty. Helena had to try hard not to stare, only sparing glances under the guise of pushing or shaking her own hair out of her face since the wind had unkindly decided to whip it in every possible direction all at once. 

Helena needed to get another bike. Riding passenger in Dinah’s car was all fine and dandy, but it did leave a little something to be desired in the way of speed since Dinah obviously couldn’t weave through traffic. And again, Helena wanted control. She needed it. A motorcycle offered her that and the ability to never really stop moving. It was perfect for a person who feared the prospect of slowing down for any reason. 

Regardless, they made it back to the warehouse in one piece, or rather two unspeaking, slightly awkward, pieces. Helena didn’t want to be the one to bring up their little slip at the abandoned building. She’d be happy to just let it go, to just move on without a word, but it probably wouldn’t be that easy. It never really was, was it?

Inside the warehouse, it was clear that Renee had not returned yet, probably still talking to her contact. Fuck. Helena was hoping that they’d have something to work off of and to keep them busy, focused on the mission and the mission only. But no such luck.

Helena settled at the table, setting her notebook in front of her to pretend to go over her notes. She could hear Dinah moving around the tiny, half-kitchen that adorned a corner of the space before the footsteps moved closer and a mug was placed in front of Helena. Great. Renee was always giving Helena coffee, and she didn’t want to turn it down because it was nice of Renee to make an effort and to think of Helena while doing something as mundane as making the stuff, but truthfully, she hated it. 

It made her jumpy in a way that was bad for her focus and control. It upset her stomach. It kept her up when she wanted to sleep. All around, she didn’t know how anyone tolerated it. But this was the first time that Dinah had ever given her a cup of it, and she most definitely wasn’t going to turn her nose up at it. Because yeah, even though she hated coffee, it was the thought that counted, and coming from Dinah, it meant even more. She didn’t want it to mean so much, but it did. She was still getting used to people doing things for her. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if she would ever get used to it. 

“Oh, thank you,” Helena said, pulling the mug a little closer. At the very least, she could use it to warm her hands. The warehouse was always cold. 

“It’s tea,” Dinah responded, sitting down across from Helena. 

“Oh?” Helena peered into the cup, inhaling. Jasmine. Her favorite. 

“Do you like tea?”

“Yes.”

“I thought you might. Most people generally like one, if not the other. And you definitely don’t like coffee,” Dinah shrugged. 

Helena furrowed her brow. “How’d you know?”

“Y’know,” Dinah laughed, “You’re not always as subtle as you think you are. Every time Renee fixes you a cup, you either choke it down or pour it out when you think no one is looking. And you never touch the pot yourself. You always seemed like more of a tea girl to me anyway.”

Helena marveled at the words pouring from Dinah’s lips. The girl had actually noticed things about Helena. Little things. And then used those things to make her feel more comfortable. It was a wonder to Helena that anyone noticed her at all, let alone someone like Dinah. Someone who surely had better things to do than think about whether or not Helena preferred coffee or tea. It was… a lot. And it would have been welcome, well, it was welcome, but Helena didn’t want to lose her resolve to cut off distractions before they became more than that. It would be too easy for Dinah to convince her otherwise without the other girl even knowing what she was doing. 

It was time to nut up or shut up. “Look, Dinah, I think we should talk about what happened at the stakeout.”

“Okay. Do you wanna start? Feels like you’ve been working up some kind of nerve, I just didn’t know exactly what it was about.”

Again, Dinah proved how well she could read Helena, and Helena wanted to just accept it as it was. To take that and run with it. But it was dangerous for the both of them, and Helena refused to cause harm to anyone who didn’t deserve it. 

“Yeah, I just--” she cleared her throat, trying to find the words. “I lost control for a minute. And I was being selfish. And I don’t think it’s a good idea. For me to do that.” She finished quietly, trying her best to not drop eye contact with the girl across from her. 

“Why?” 

“Why what?”

“Why isn’t it a good idea?”

Was that even a question? Wasn’t it obvious based on how quickly the mission went to shit? Dinah had almost died and if Helena had moved even a millisecond slower, she wouldn’t have been able to save her. The realization of such a close call had shaken Helena to her core, but telling Dinah that would give away far more than Helena was willing to. 

“I mean, I have a job to do. I’ll always have a job to do. And if I stop for even a moment, the world will barrel on past me, and I’ll never be able to catch up. I’ll get left behind and people will die and it will be my fault, Dinah. And I can’t live with that. I can’t.” Helena couldn’t keep her eyes on Dinah after the rush of words. Her heart was pounding, and again, she found herself wishing that things could be a little easier for her sometimes. 

When she chanced a glance back up, Dinah was looking at her so softly that it almost broke her heart. In what world did she deserve to be looked at like that? She was a hardened killer, and that was all. That shouldn’t have warranted softness of any kind.

Dinah’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times, like she was deciding what to say. Finally she said, “Look, I’m committed to the Birds too. I want to clean up this city as much as Montoya, and I wanna save every damn person that lives here as much as you. But I’m not going to make myself suffer for it. I don’t deserve that. And neither do you.”

And Jesus, fuck, right? What was Helena supposed to say? Because she wanted to believe Dinah but everything in her, everything that she had ever learned and everything that she had become as a result, warned her against it. 

It was all just too much. 

Luckily, Dinah continued, “And anyway, I just thought we could help each other out. It doesn’t have to be more than that. I don’t even know if I could handle more than that. I’m used to being on my own, and I like it that way.” She shrugged, ever so nonchalant. Helena envied her for it. “It’s just, even after beating the shit out of people, I still need to blow off more steam sometimes, y’know? I don’t wanna speak for you, but I thought you might have shit to work out too.”

And yeah, it was stupid, and maybe it was because Helena was listening but also had to fight the urge to tune out and just stare at Dinah’s lips and the way they formed words, but she wasn’t quite getting what Dinah was saying and instead of thinking about it, she asked, “How else do you blow off steam?” 

Could you blame Helena for asking? Really? The person she was today was born from blood and violence and was only alive because of diligence and meticulousness that required complete focus almost 100% of the time. 

Basically, she was a virgin.

“Helena.” Dinah narrowed her eyes, thinking Helena was joking despite the fact that she didn’t make jokes very often and when she did it was usually by accident.

“What?” Helena asked, only worsening her inevitable embarrassment when she figured out what was going on. To someone else, it might’ve been a simple two plus two, but Helena’s mind just wasn’t making the connection of what she and Dinah had to do with blowing off steam. 

Dinah’s eyes widened as she realized Helena’s confusion was genuine, and, hoping to spare her any more of it, she simply said, “I meant sex. Using sex to blow off steam.” 

Helena went red and began to stutter over her words. “Oh. Yeah. Of course. I just thought--”

“Hey, it’s okay if you--” Dinah tried.

“Yeah, I know. Just. Please stop.”

“Okay. Sorry. I didn’t really think.”

“It’s fine,” Helena said, tone curt. She did mean it though, for the most part. It wasn’t Dinah’s fault that Helena was still a virgin, and Helena knew that Dinah wasn’t being insensitive. If anything, she was the opposite. It amazed Helena that Dinah held such multitudes within herself. That she could be tough on the people who deserved it and angry when it was warranted and protective and vulnerable and brave and an infinite number of other things that Helena wasn’t sure words could even express. 

Dinah was in tune with herself. What did it feel like to know what you needed and what to do to achieve it? 

“Still, I’m sorry,” Dinah said. “For making you feel uncomfortable.” She was quiet a moment before reaching across the table and gently putting a hand over Helena’s own clenched one, easing the tension from it, unfurling it so that their fingers were just the slightest bit intertwined. “If you ever, I don’t know, wanna talk about anything, you can talk to me. You know that, right?” The corner of her mouth twisted up in assurance.

Helena just nodded. It made sense. Like, it wasn’t really easy for her to talk to anyone, and when Helena was conflicted about her duties to the city versus affairs of the heart (and body) it was especially difficult to talk to Dinah, but overall, Helena had the easiest time speaking with Dinah and oftentimes, it made her feel more at ease. She was the easiest to understand. And she made an effort to make it easy on Helena too, which meant something. Helena didn’t know exactly what, but definitely something. 

Talking about sex with Dinah seemed another matter entirely, though. How could Helena manage to articulate anything at all now that she understood Dinah was implying that they could have sex with each other to blow off steam? How could she go on, back to the way it was before, knowing it was something Dinah had considered? Something she had thought about? Possibly at length?

And oh god, had Dinah thought about it the way Helena had? At night? Fighting the urge to drag her fingers through the strands of wetness clinging between her thighs? Desperately wanting to, but not allowing herself the pleasure of relieving the ache that had become such a pounding force in her core that sometimes it seemed it would never go away until sated? Did Dinah think about it like that?

Helena had to clench her eyes shut to center herself and the hand that had gone slack underneath Dinah’s own had tightened into a fist once more. She had to ask. “Does it work?”

Even though Helena was tense again, Dinah hadn’t given up on her clenched hand, gently rubbing the knuckles that had gone white, imploring them to let loose. For once. “Does what work?”

Helena clenched her jaw, hating the need to clarify but knowing she would only continue to think about it if she didn’t get an answer. “Does that work to blow off steam?”

“Oh, sex?” Dinah let out a whoosh of air. “Yeah, it works. It’s a good way to release the things you usually hold back. Don’t you get tired of holding back?”

“Yes.” And Helena meant it. She was so tired of feeling on edge, of feeling angry, of feeling like slacking off would be the death of her and everyone she cared about. But it wasn’t easy to just change, to become someone else. Helena was convinced that was what it would take. Losing herself. She wasn’t ready for that. 

“Even when you’re fighting and beating the shit outta these terrible guys, it still feels like there’s some part of you that’s not coming out… You can let go, H, and it’ll still be okay. Everyone will be okay if you take a step back once in a while.”

Helena listened intently, hanging on every word. Could it be true? Could Helena give herself room to breathe and still do her job? Could she have both? 

Unwillingly, the voices in her head returned. If you let someone get too close, either they will hurt you, or someone else will hurt them. It’s a bad world out there, Lena. You must be careful. Caring is dangerous, remember that. 

Dinah had almost died today. A slip in focus had almost resulted in the death of a friend. Friend. Was even that too close for comfort? No. It couldn’t be. Helena couldn’t pull back that far. Having people in her corner was okay, she just had to cut it off before it became anything more than that. 

Helena’s jaw clenched and she sat up straighter. “When I stepped back today, you almost died. I can’t lose focus. I just can’t,” she said, sounding almost pained by the time she finished.

And maybe it was the pleading in Helena’s voice, but Dinah nodded, accepting the words even though her face had fallen a little. Helena hated being the cause of it. But she knew this was safer. For the both of them. For the city. 

Saved by the bell that was Renee busting into the room, the two girls jumped, caught off guard for the second time in one day. It made Helena furious.

“Fuck, could you give a little warning next time?” She shouted.

Renee had the nerve to look confused. “The fuck are you talkin’ about? This ain’t a private fucking room, Helena, and I’ve got some great news,” she paused, waiting for Dinah or Helena to look interested but both girls were still a little distracted. 

Dinah, much more inclined to give Renee her moment than Helena was, asked, “What’s the news?” 

Renee jumped into action, writing on the whiteboard instead of answering directly. Helena rolled her eyes and Dinah smirked back. It felt good. Normal. Helena could do normal. 

Tapping on the whiteboard to regain their attention, it appeared that all Renee had written was BUCHA BOY in capital letters. 

“Bootchuh boy?” Dinah asked. “What’s that mean?” 

“Apparently,” Renee explained, “That’s what this asshole calls himself. Bucha Boy. He considers himself some kinda kombucha connoisseur. Now, I can’t stand the stuff, but it’s, like, his thing I guess, he’s got his own kombucha company. My contact thinks the whole business is a front for him to get away with doing shady shit, moving money around without raising any alarms, that typa shit.” 

Helena was intensely listening now, leaned forward in her chair, ready to spring into action. It was a need now, she needed to get her hands on this guy and bring him down. It was all she could think about, and she was glad for it. “Alright then, that’s the proof, right? He’s doing shady shit, so let’s get him.”

Renee was quick to shut Helena down before she got too antsy, “It’s more complicated than that. We don’t have actual proof that he’s doing anything. We need to do this right if we wanna stay legit, if we wanna be left alone by the cops or Batman or any of those guys.”

“So what’s the plan?” Dinah spoke up, having been quietly taking in every piece of information.

Renee clapped her hands together, like she was finally getting to the exciting part. “You guys are gonna go undercover at a gala that Bucha Boy is hosting, try to get in close, find out anything you can about what he’s actually up to because it sure as hell can’t just be kombucha.”

The girls looked at each other and nodded in silent agreement that this was a second chance to properly contribute to the mission. 

“What’s our cover?” Dinah asked. 

“First and foremost,” Renee began, “Y’all are fans of Bucha Boy’s product. You gotta suck up to this guy big time.”

Helena scowled, prepared to argue. She wasn’t a suck up, and she wouldn’t fake being one to get close to a man. But Renee continued before she could say anything. 

“Second, you’re entrepreneurs with family money, lots of it. You want to invest in his company. I think his investors are his inside circle. If you can get in, we’ll definitely be able to get the lowdown on him.”

Okay, that seemed simple enough to Helena. It wasn’t her ideal cover, but it didn’t sound terrible. She liked that they at least had a plan. It would do. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, what about specifics, names, backgrounds, that stuff?” Dinah added. 

Renee shrugged, “Eh, I’ll let you guys come up with the rest of that stuff so it’s easier for you to remember. Just as long as you guys get close, it hardly matters.” She was quiet, thinking, before, “Oh, except, you guys have to be a couple.” 

Although Renee had said it like it was no big deal, Helena was instantly on guard. “What? Why?”

“Because y’all need to be able to stay together. Being actual partners, not just business partners, will allow you to do that. Especially if you get in his inner circle. We don’t know how deep this goes, it’s better if you guys can talk with each other without raising suspicion.” 

The girls were dumbstruck because, well, obviously. Dinah was looking at Helena, trying to gauge her reaction, and Helena was clenching and unclenching her fists, trying to justify the plan in her head. 

Honestly, it felt like a supremely bad idea. Helena could hardly be friends with Dinah without pining away half the time and being borderline aroused the other half. The only thing that had kept her feelings in check was that she controlled how much time she spent around the girl and how close they got. Helena had managed to keep their relationship professional, oriented around their missions. Yeah, sometimes when they ended up alone there was an energy in the air that was difficult to ignore and that burning tension sizzled when they made eye contact. But most of the time Renee was around. Nothing could happen. 

And Helena wouldn’t let it happen anyway. Of course not. (Their earlier moment being an exception, then.)

But this. This was different.

Outright deciding that they needed to be as close as possible seemed ridiculous. To be a couple? To touch and talk close in whispers and hold hands and possibly kiss or dance or-- She couldn’t do it. She was going to slip again. It was too risky. 

Dinah looked like she wanted to put her hand back on Helena’s but thought twice about it and pulled back. Gently, she tried to reason, “Helena, if it’s for the mission… It might be the best way. We both want to take this guy down. It’ll be fine.”

Renee looked back and forth between the two girls, a little out of the loop but noticing the tension for the first time. She raised an eyebrow but let it go besides that. 

Helena wanted to believe Dinah. Or rather, she did believe her, she trusted her on this. But she was afraid that her trust came from wanting an excuse to be closer to the girl. Still, the mission should come first, right? And if this was for the mission, if this was what needed to be done to save the kids that were involved somehow, then she could do it. For the mission, she had to remind herself. Only for the mission. 

“Okay,” Helena released a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. “Okay, let’s do it.”

Dinah smiled, and one pulled at Helena’s cheeks as well in response. 

What was she getting herself into?

Renee pushed through the weirdness, “Um, alright, so the gala is tomorrow night. Not much notice, but my contact has gotten you guys on the list. I need you guys to go get some fancy shit to wear, while I go get some actual surveillance gear. We need mics and wires and shit. We’re in the big leagues now, ladies.”

While Dinah and Renee kept talking about logistics, Helena sat back, trying to keep a positive outlook, to not overwhelm herself with everything that could go bad, which to be fair, was a lot. Surprisingly, though, she actually found herself smiling because what Renee said felt true. It was exciting. Sure, there was a lot that could go wrong, but this felt big. Like another power-hungry white dude was planning something sinister. Helena wanted nothing more than to stop him, preferably with an arrow to the neck, but she knew she had to bide her time. That’s what she was happy about. A potential kill to add to her long list. That was all.

Not the fact that she and Dinah were going to be working very, very close together. Definitely not that. Nope. 

But out of the corner of her eye, Helena could see Dinah animatedly talking with Renee and was instantly struck by her beauty, her passion, the life that obviously burned within her.

Helena closed her eyes, only allowing herself to wonder for half a moment what Dinah saw when she looked at Helena. Was she struck too? Was she? 

Rubbing her hands over her face, Helena urged herself to visualize what killing Bucha Boy would feel like instead. The satisfaction that would follow, the release of pressure in her chest, knowing she had done something good. She could do this. She had to. She would. 

But apparently, she had to go buy a fucking suit first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lemme just say, thank you for all the kudos and comments. u have no idea how much i am fueled by validation. really it's what i live for. also, this is now turning into a fake dating fic and im not mad at all, i hope y'all aren't either. and pls be patient, that kiss is coming! not sure when but we're getting there, momentum's picking up, and i promise i want it just as bad as y'all.
> 
> ps pls continue to let me know what u think in the comments, it warms my heart so much and only makes me write faster! more to come mwah :)


	3. going over the details and meeting in the middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> helena and dinah take some steps forward and make some moves in spite of confusion and delusion. get ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this is a monster. sorry it took so long but it's here and i hope you all enjoy! reading your comments warms my heart and really pushed me forward so thank you all for the continued support. much love and buckle up bois

The thing about shopping is that Helena never really did it. That’s not trying to say she wasn’t like other girls or anything like that, though maybe she wasn’t (of course she wasn’t), but rather she liked simple things and only ever bought clothes out of necessity. 

She had money, but she wasn’t frivolous. She had style, her Huntress suit made that much clear, but she preferred subdued forms of dress. She was lowkey. That’s it.

So buying a suit suit was a little out of her comfort zone. Dinah had suggested that they go shopping together so that it would be easier to coordinate, but Helena refused. Her stuttering explanation to Dinah was that she had other errands to run (not true) and was kind of busy the rest of the day (also not true) but that she would most definitely wear either dark purple or black or a mix of the two (that part was true). The true reason she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, go shopping with Dinah is that the thought of her in fancy dresses, trying on different ones to see which styles she preferred and what fit best, made her brain short-circuit. Even more than it usually did around Dinah. It wasn’t a good idea. 

Then again, this whole thing probably wasn’t a good idea. And Helena had known that. So how did they end up here? As a couple? 

Fake couple. 

She had to keep reminding herself of that or she didn’t stand a chance.

God, how was this happening? It felt like a dream. And Helena wasn’t quite sure if it was a good one yet.

Except, that was only slightly true. Anything Dinah was a part of was good. Everything about Dinah was good. Helena knew that, in a friend way of course. It’s just, there were too many uncertainties. Helena didn’t like that. Didn’t like leaving things to chance. So she never really did. She had been able to control almost every aspect of her life since returning to Gotham. Since her training began, really. 

But affairs of the heart were never certain, and she was coming to realize that. And also coming to realize that people didn’t really use phrases like “affairs of the heart.” Isolation could make a person different. She was a little different. Whatever.

After hurriedly leaving the warehouse to run her “errands,” leaving Dinah staring after her dumbfounded and Renee looking exasperated as per usual, Helena took the bus straight to a dealership that sold motorcycles. Fast ones.

The salesman was annoying and kept asking Helena a lot of questions about what she was into and what she was looking for and if she was free that night, but she ignored him completely, carefully going over the selection until she saw the perfect bike. 

It was the same model as her last one. The same color. The only difference was, and she didn’t really want to admit it, it was bigger. Bigger, meaning it had more room behind her. Space for an extra person. 

It made sense though. If she and Dinah had to take this cover deeper, it made sense to have all the bases covered. One of those bases being that Dinah should be able to ride with her comfortably. Arms wrapped around Helena’s torso. Bodies pressed together. Nope, no, don’t go there.

“Don’t go where?” The salesman asked. 

“What? Nothing. Shut up.” And Helena must have looked distressed or angry enough for him to listen because he didn’t say another word. She paid in full with her debit card and rode the bike straight out of the lot. She didn’t notice his dropped jaw and wouldn’t have cared about it either way even if she had. The way she acted was the way she was. It was not performative and it certainly wasn’t to impress men.

The only person she took pleasure in impressing was Dinah. Like when she had slid down the slide on top of the goon at the booby trap. Helena could be oblivious, but not when it came to Dinah, and not when the girl was smiling like that, almost awestruck. It had fueled her through the fight. It had renewed her in a way that she hadn’t felt since she first came up with her plot for revenge. She wanted to see Dinah like that again. 

As she rode through the streets in the direction of the swankier shopping area of Gotham, she thought of the other times she had seen Dinah smile. Unknowingly, she had kept track of them, filing them away for the scarce times she allowed herself to daydream about what it would be like if things were a little simpler. If her only job was to make Dinah smile. 

Dinah’s smiles were actually sort of frequent when they were fighting bad guys. Like just last week, down at the docks. Renee had been holding her own against a man twice her size, but it meant she was pretty much completely occupied, which left Dinah and Helena to handle three others. 

One of Dinah’s ridiculously high kicks took out the first guy instantly, but the second came at her without skipping a beat. Helena had wanted to help Dinah, but the last one was on her and managed to knock the crossbow from her hands. It was fine, she liked hand to hand combat just as well.

She grabbed his arm and pulled him closer while turning her body so she could whip him up and over her back and onto the ground. Then, she grabbed one of the knives from the sheath on her leg and stabbed him in the neck, hardly even looking, already turning to Dinah.

But she stopped moving immediately, seeing that the last one had his arm around Dinah’s neck, effectively choking her, and was pointing his gun at Helena, holding her back from coming to Dinah’s aid. Dinah didn’t look panicked, and Helena knew she could probably get out of his grasp if she wanted to, which meant the only reason she wasn’t was because she thought he might shoot Helena before she could fully incapacitate him. 

Their ability to understand each other under pressure, during battle, even without words, had developed without either of them acknowledging it or forcing it, and it gave them a great advantage while fighting. 

Advantage might’ve been a bit of an understatement though, because honestly, it was amazing. But Helena never dared pointing it out, afraid of losing something so perfect and instinctual. Some things were better left unsaid. That was ingrained into her. The skill of keeping things to herself. Only sometimes did Helena fear she was too good at it. 

All Dinah had done was nod to Helena, and Helena knew she was okay. Knew that she wasn’t afraid. Knew that she trusted Helena to take care of this. That fact had warmed Helena, accelerating her heart rate, heightening her spacial awareness.

She knelt under the guise of surrender, hands slightly raised, watching Dinah all the while. As soon as she put both her knees on the ground, Helena gave Dinah the smallest of smiles, and they spurred into action. 

Dinah stomped on the guy’s foot with as much force as she could muster from her position, making him flinch just enough to lose focus on Helena. Helena used that minute lapse in concentration to pull the knife from the neck of the guy she had killed moments before and throw it straight into the eye of the goon choking Dinah, killing him instantly.

As his body thudded to the ground, Dinah beamed at Helena. Her smile was pure light and it almost knocked Helena backwards, making her stumble over the other body. She couldn’t help but smile back. What was the harm in a smile?

And really, that was just one of many. Dinah may have been tough but her smile seemed to come easy. Helena became eager for their teamwork in fights, knowing that it might mean a smile would be tossed her way. It was pathetic. She knew it. But, she always found a way to justify it. The smiles came in the wake of successful missions. So, Helena could at least pretend it was the mission and the mission only that she cared about. She told herself that so often that sometimes she even believed it. 

And since the big, beaming smiles didn’t really occur until after the fights, Helena didn’t have to worry about getting distracted by Dinah when it mattered. And if she wasn’t distracted, she had no reason to punish herself. So it was fine. She was fine.

Lately though, Helena had begun to notice another type of smile from Dinah. Smiles that she wasn’t sure Dinah was even aware of. 

Like three nights ago, after stopping three consecutive bank robberies in which the Birds had had to physically take down about thirty guys in total, they had all been so exhausted that they ordered pizza to the warehouse. 

Bodies bruised and sore, exhaustion heavy in their bones, Dinah, Helena, and Renee were all mostly silent once the food arrived. Renee had ordered an extra large pepperoni, mushroom, and olive pie, and even though Helena didn’t really care for mushrooms, she didn’t argue. She didn’t have it in her. It had been a long day.

She slid a piece onto her paper plate and began picking the mushrooms off one by one but soon got the feeling she was being watched. Given that Renee was busy inhaling her pizza, Helena knew it had to be Dinah. 

And, like, Helena was brave, right? She had to be. Every aspect of her life before meeting these women required bravery, and their current job, cleaning up the city, bravery was a necessity for that too. Helena had never had trouble stepping up to a fight. Getting right in the thick of it. That was what she was good at, and she knew it, so it came easy to her.

But being around Dinah was another story. Just being anywhere in the vicinity of the girl made Helena feel weak, and she wasn’t used to it at all. Still, she wanted to be brave for Dinah. She couldn’t be with her (she just couldn’t) and that was fine (she swore it was), but she could still be brave for her. And undoubtedly, looking over to Dinah at that moment felt like one of the hardest things Helena had ever done.

God, was it worth it though. 

Mushroom pinched between Helena’s forefinger and thumb, her hand hung in the air as they made eye contact, and, well, it was electric. Helena could feel her body buzzing while her eyes traced the curve of Dinah’s mouth, which pulled up just slightly at one side.

Don’t get her wrong, Helena loved Dinah’s beaming smiles after she punched someone in the throat or smashed someone’s nose against her knee or kicked someone in the balls or… whatever. This, though. This was something else. Dinah was something else. And the way she looked at Helena when Helena wasn’t even doing anything noteworthy, anything important, it made Helena feel like she was worth something more than whatever monster revenge had turned her into. Like she was capable of more than violence. Like she was invincible. Helena was sure Dinah didn’t mean to incite these feelings, it was just hard not to get caught up in the moment. That was all. Helena wouldn’t let herself slip. 

It’s just, Dinah looked so soft. And Helena couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel to be closer. If she moved from her perch on the stiff, wooden chair and moved to the worn couch. If she plopped down right next to the girl. If they were pressed together from shoulder to thigh. 

Truthfully, Helena didn’t think she could handle that. Hell, it was hard enough just seeing Dinah’s smile from a short distance. But up close? Helena didn’t stand a chance. It didn’t hurt to wonder, though, right? If she kept it in her head, what was the harm? 

After Helena parked her bike and pulled off her helmet, she shook her head to both clear her mind of thoughts of Dinah, as well as to settle her hair from the way it had been pressed to her head. The latter worked, her hair fluffing back up to its usual wavy bounce. The former, on the other hand, what could she do about that? 

The only reason she was even standing there in front of some pretentious, designer clothing store was that she and Dinah were going to pretend to be a couple. None of this was normal. None of this was within Helena’s comfort zone. But they had a mission, and it wasn’t much of a sacrifice to dress up and go out to a gala. Especially with Dinah. And also, it definitely wouldn’t be a sacrifice if Helena could keep herself in check, of which she kept reminding herself over and over. 

It was all pretend. It was for the mission. Anything that was said or done was purely in the name of the cover they had to uphold. Feelings meant vulnerability and vulnerability meant someone was going to get hurt. The solution, then, was no feelings. Easy. Easy. 

With that mantra repeating itself in her head, Helena entered the store. Just standing inside made her feel underdressed in her sweatshirt and jeans. The floors were marbled white, each display was lit up and immaculate, the lights were bright but not blinding, and all of the clothes shone with a type of flair that Helena wasn’t sure she was ready for. 

Skipping the women’s section altogether, as Helena didn’t see anything but dresses (which were fine but not really her thing), she turned to the men’s clothing. As she perused the selection, she found herself disappointed, almost grimacing at the options. Each item had the look of something that Sionis might wear - flashy, bright, obscenely attention-grabbing, overall dickish. It wasn’t Helena’s style at all, not to mention it would serve the mission better for herself and Dinah to be able to be more unseen. This wouldn’t do. 

While Helena looked over the selection one last time just in case she missed anything before (she knew she hadn’t but it wasn’t like she had anything better to do), a saleslady walked up to her. 

“Can I help you find anything?” She asked with a smile. 

Helena eyed the girl, silently debating her choices. She needed something to wear, but was the cost of talking to a stranger who didn’t know anything about what she would like too high? Probably. 

She never blamed retail employees, of course not, but sometimes when they came on too fast or insisted on helping Helena got overwhelmed. She always declined the help, shutting them down immediately. If she couldn’t find what she wanted it’s not like anyone else would be able to either. And more than that she despised when people hovered around her. Her training taught her to be wary of people lingering in her periphery, so even when it was just someone trying to help, Helena felt on edge.

The problem was, Helena really needed something to wear. Not only was the gala the following night, but since Helena had impulsively rejected Dinah’s proposal to go shopping together, she didn’t want to show up with something drab, or worse, with nothing at all.

The woman waited patiently. Her smile didn’t look forced, just kind, like she actually wanted to help if she was able to. Helena tried to remind herself that if she walked out now, she would just have to deal with this somewhere else. Possibly with someone less kind. 

Fuck it. 

“Yeah, actually. Um, do you have anything less… like this?” Helena gestured vaguely to the outrageously gaudy men’s suits. 

And, to her surprise, the girl laughed like Helena had said something funny. Had she? The bubbly laugh distracted Helena and she couldn’t really remember. 

The girl, Claire, her name tag read, took a step closer and leaned casually against one of the displays. “Hmm, could you tell me a little bit more about what you’re looking for?”

Claire’s relaxed manner put Helena slightly more at ease, juxtaposing the pretentious environment, yet at the same time, the casualness made Helena a little nervous. When people were good at being casual and normal and chill or whatever else people called it these days, Helena’s own awkwardness felt more on display. She couldn’t help it, but that didn’t mean it didn’t bother her sometimes.

Helena cleared her throat, pushing through, reminding herself that Claire, for all intents and purposes, seemed nice. Non-threatening. “I need a suit,” was all that came forth from Helena’s mouth. Nice.

Claire smiled again, but it didn’t feel like she was making fun of Helena. In the past, there were times when people took Helena’s social awkwardness for being naive. They thought she couldn’t tell that she was being laughed at rather than laughed with. She had learned to not let it bother her so much, but it was nice that she didn’t seem to have to worry about that here. 

“If I had to guess, I’d say these colors and styles aren’t really your thing?” Claire asked. 

“Not really. I tried the women’s stuff too, but I’d prefer--”

“A suit,” Claire finished for her. “Don’t worry, I totally get it. And who doesn’t love a lady in a suit?” This time, Claire’s smile was different, perhaps more playful? But Helena couldn’t put her finger on it and was a little too fixated on the suit and the gala to care too much.

“Do you have any other ones?” Helena put her hands in her pockets, a little unsure of what to do with them while she waited.

“Unfortunately, this is all we have for our summer collection,” Claire said apologetically, but when Helena offered a small smile of thanks and made to leave, she jumped back in, “But we have a new line coming in soon, focusing on more suave, androgynous cuts and colors. It’s not supposed to hit the floor for a few weeks, but I could probably make an exception. For you. If you’d like.” Claire’s cheeks had bloomed pink during her pitch. 

Helena guessed that it was because Claire had probably given her whole speech in one breath (she was wrong). It happened sometimes (it really didn’t). 

Basically, even though Helena might’ve known the literal definition of flirting, she wasn’t so adept at pinpointing its execution. Not to mention she had no clue whatsoever that her overall demeanor and attitude, and height for that matter, might be considered attractive to those people who preferred the fairer of the sexes. That is to say, she was useless. Utterly and completely useless. 

“Oh, yeah, that sounds good,” Helena replied. And after bumbling out her measurements and a preference for dark colors, Helena was left alone as the girl went to pick some options.

Five or so minutes later, Claire came back with only one suit draped across her arms, heels clicking as she approached. At first, Helena thought she was out of luck if only one suit matched what she wanted, but the moment she saw it up close, she realized how wrong she was.

Put simply, Helena’s favorite way to put things, it was beautiful. It had a fitted cut to it with sleek lines and little excess that could take away from its pure, striking elegance. And, more than that, it was a deep, purple, so dark that it almost appeared black except for when the light hit the fabric at certain angles. “Wow. It’s perfect,” Helena said. 

Claire smiled, obviously pleased with herself. “Let me set you up with a dressing room so you can see if it fits or if we need a different size or anything.” 

It didn’t take Helena long to try the suit on and find that it fit like a glove. Looking in the mirror, she was actually sort of pleased with herself. It made her feel the way wearing the Huntress suit felt. Confident. Powerful. 

Helena tried a few stances for the hell of it - hands in her pockets, arms crossed, leaning against the wall - trying to figure out how she might greet Dinah when they met up for the gala. “Oh, hey, Dinah,” she said to herself in the mirror, waving, trying her best to look casual. She hated it. 

Clearing her throat, she tried again, “Dinah, hey. You look nice.” She shook her head and scoffed. Nice? She didn’t even have to see Dinah or know what she was wearing to know that the girl would look much better than nice. Probably better than words could even say. Dinah always did, regardless of what she was wearing.

Focus, Helena. 

“How’s it workin’ in there?” Claire called out. “Need me to grab another size?”

“No, it’s okay. This one fits,” Helena replied. Then, impulsively because she felt good, she asked, “Um, if you ring it up can I just wear it out of the store?” As soon as she said it, Helena pinched the bridge of her nose, embarrassed. It was silly to wear it now. What if something happened to it? What if she looked like an absolute fool who rode a motorcycle in a suit? 

Lowering her hand from her face and looking in the mirror once more, she made up her mind. She looked good and she felt good. And for someone who didn’t always feel sure about herself, why not hop on the opportunity when it presented itself?

“Of course! Just come to the front when you’re ready,” Claire said, followed by the sound of her walking further away. 

Helena gathered her clothes and went to the register where Claire was bent over, apparently digging around for something behind the desk. When she finally stood up, her eyes widened, giving Helena a once-over. “Wow,” she said.

“Um, is it okay? This is how it’s supposed to fit, right?” The attention instantly made Helena less sure of herself and her hands clenched at her sides, her body wanting to curl in on itself, to become defensive. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry! It’s just, you look-- I mean, you look really good. It’s perfect.” Claire stuttered through the words.

Helena, confused at Claire’s change in demeanor but mostly itching to leave, handed over her card and said, “Thank you.” Then, feeling like she should say something else, she added, “I’m going to a gala. I was supposed to get something fancy.”

Claire smiled again, “Well, this is definitely fancy. I’m glad we could find you something you like.”

“Thank you. For that. I mean, for going into the back. You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was my pleasure, Helena,” she said, glancing at the card as she handed it back. “I also gave you my employee discount.”

Now, Helena was even more confused. “Oh, thank you. For that too, then.” Were some people just nice people? In Gotham? It seemed unlikely to Helena but she guessed she shouldn’t assume one way or the other.

Claire went to hand Helena the receipt next, but Helena put her hand up, declining. “It’s okay, I don’t think I’ll need that.” She gestured to the fact that she was already wearing the suit. 

Looking a little bashful suddenly, Claire said, “Well, I actually put my number on there too. Y’know, in case you ever need help finding another suit or something” and she winked.

Helena’s brow furrowed. Commission must’ve been a really big part of working here. She doubted she’d need another suit soon but she took the receipt regardless. The girl was being nice, Helena might as well do the same. Thanking her once more for the help, Helena took her leave quickly, feeling like she’d had enough socializing for the day. 

Or week. 

Maybe life. 

Okay, that was an exaggeration but really, making small, polite conversation with strangers was one of her least favorite things to do, no matter how nice they happened to be. It had been pleasant enough but constantly thinking about how to talk and act was purely exhausting if nothing else. 

Getting back on her bike and zooming off towards home, Helena felt like she could breathe again. She might’ve even smiled a little underneath the cover of her helmet. Errands done, she could relax. She could read, maybe she’d make some tea, clean her crossbow. The afternoon was all hers.

Except that, after parking her bike and taking the stairs up to her apartment, she found Dinah sitting in front of her door. Of course. 

When Helena approached, she saw that Dinah’s head was leaning back against the door and her eyes were closed as if she was asleep. “Um, hey. What’re you doing here?”

Dinah finally opened her eyes, looking up at Helena lazily. “I got something to wear and I wanted to see if it matches yours enough since you wouldn’t come with me or let me come with you. I’m actually surprised you’re back so early, done with all your errands already?” Dinah sassed.

“Yeah, it was quicker than I thought,” Helena lied. Badly.

“Mmm,” was all Dinah said, standing up. Once she got as close to eye level with Helena as she could, she sucked in a quick breath, noticing Helena’s outfit. “Oh, are you wearing it?”

Helena looked away, scratching at the back of her head. “Uh, yeah. I spilled some coffee on my shirt so I figured I’d just wear it out of the store.”

Dinah finally cracked a little smile. “H, we both know you don’t drink coffee. We, like, just went over this.”

“Oh yeah. Um… well--”

“Relax, you don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Dinah said, voice smooth and comforting. Was she making it like that on purpose? Or did she just know exactly how to handle Helena’s discomfort? “And, for what it’s worth, you look incredible,” she said softly, reaching a hand up to tug at the lapel of the suit jacket. 

Unsure of how to respond, Helena blurted, “So does it match then?” Her chest burned at the closeness of Dinah’s hand to her heart, alerting it to Dinah’s presence, making it beat faster and faster but not unsteadily.

“Yeah, it matches. It’s perfect actually,” Dinah replied, opening the bag at her feet to show Helena something a soft, lavender color. 

“Good. That’s good.” Helena said, waiting for Dinah to make the next move. Preferably to leave. Not like Helena didn’t want to hang out with Dinah, that wasn’t it. More like, what was Helena supposed to do if they were alone together? They had almost kissed the other day, but now they were supposed to be normal, but Helena didn’t feel normal, and simultaneously they were friends but pretending to be more. Fucked up. “Um, so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Helena said, giving Dinah a tight smile, unlocking her door, and stepping past Dinah to go inside.

Dinah being Dinah, pushed right inside behind Helena. “Yo, are you kidding?”

“What?”

“We got shit to do, Bertinelli. You can’t just hole up in here when we’re not prepared for the mission whatsoever,” Dinah scolded, arms crossed over her chest.

“Don’t call me that. And how are we not prepared?” Helena asked, offended that Dinah would imply she doesn’t care about the mission. She moved into the adjacent kitchen and filled up a glass of water just to give herself something to do. And definitely not also to cut off the temptation to look at Dinah’s chest, which was currently pushed up by her arms.

Of course, Dinah followed her anyway. “We don’t have our cover sorted out at all, we need to know things about each other, if not make up a completely new story,” she answered matter-of-factly.

Helena took a deep breath and set the water down on the counter. Dinah was right to an extent, but only that. Helena tried to sort out her thoughts on the matter, quietly thinking. Then, “You probably know me better than anyone ever has,” Helena said, meaning to defend herself against the accusation that they needed to learn things about each other, but the sentence hung in the air, obviously falling flat. 

And Dinah’s face fell too. Softening. “Helena…”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Helena meant to snap, but that, too, came up short.

“Like what?” Dinah said, still so soft. So fucking soft. It wasn’t for Helena. It couldn’t be. It had to be pity. What else was there? What fucking else?

“Like-- Like I’m some wounded animal or something. I didn’t say it so you would feel bad for me or so we wouldn’t have to work on our cover. I just. I meant it. Because we do know things about each other.” Helena felt like a petulant child by the way her words came out unfiltered. It was always Dinah that did this to her. Made her feel out of control. So Helena straightened her back and locked her hands into fists at her sides

Dinah stepped forward until they were only a couple feet apart, and Helena had to resist the urge to step back, knowing if she did her back would be pressed against the opposite counter. She would be cornered, and Dinah could probably do anything she wanted to her. And Helena would want it too. “I’m sorry that I implied we don’t know each other. I was just trying to say that for the mission, we need to come up with fake things. Like how we met, how long we’ve, y’know, been together. That type of thing. I know that I know you, Helena. The real you. And I’m honored.” She took one of Helena’s fists between her hands, and suddenly it was slack. No control.

No fucking control.

But for once, she wasn’t really thinking about it. Until Dinah moved closer. So close they were almost pressed together. So close that it would almost be easy to lean down and touch her lips to the shorter girl’s. Softly. Because that’s what Dinah deserved. 

Not Helena, though. Not to her. 

She stepped out of Dinah’s reach, taking the glass of water back into her hands. “Jesus, fuck. Okay,”she said, taking another deep breath, trying not to care that Dinah could see her essentially breaking down. “Let’s sit at the table, and we can figure this stuff out.”

Helena thought she could hear Dinah mumble something under her breath about how the couch was right there, but she followed anyway. 

At the table, Helena spoke first, “Okay, so what should we start with?” Her voice was a little clipped, already anticipating trouble. 

“Here,” Dinah said reaching in her bag and throwing a stack of paper on the table, “I brought flashcards for us to make. I think we should just start at the beginning. The made-up beginning, I mean. Like, how and when did we meet?” She uncapped a pen with her teeth, then looked at Helena expectantly. As if she had answers.

“I don’t know. Do you think this will actually come up?”

Dinah shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’d rather be prepared just in case.”

Helena could get behind that. Preparation. That meant less could go wrong. It meant this would be more rehearsed. Less real. Good. That was good. “How about a year ago? Long enough to be close but not so long that it would be weird that we’re not married.” She shrugged. Keep it casual, Helena, keep it casual. 

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Dinah said, already writing it down. “How about we met at a club? That fancy one in the financial district… I think it’s called Boiling Point? I went there once with Sionis, rich people love it,” she sneered at the thought, making a smile push its way onto Helena’s lips. Dinah looked up just in time to catch the tail-end of it, and she smirked back.

“What’s next?” Helena asked.

“First date maybe?” Dinah said, getting a new card ready.

“DeLuca’s,” Helena responded immediately.

Dinah raised her eyebrows. “Oh?”

Helena looked down and knitted her hands together in her lap. “Or, it could’ve been somewhere else?”

“No, that sounds great. I’ve never been, but I’ve heard good things,” Dinah assured, writing it down.

In the silence, Helena said, “It used to be my favorite. When I was a kid, I mean. I haven’t been since… I haven’t been in a long time.” 

And Dinah just looked at her. Like she was something to look at. And Helena didn’t know what to do at all. So she just looked back and tried not to let any more of herself slip away. Again, she wondered if it was too late. Again, she wondered what would happen if she didn’t care.

“We should go sometime, then.” When Helena sucked in a breath, she added, “Just so if anybody asks, I’ll know what to say about it.”

Helena nodded. “Yeah. That would be nice.”

“Yeah,” Dinah agreed.

And that’s how it went for a while. A give and take of figuring out the simple things. Sometimes Dinah would decide, sometimes Helena would, but it was always mutual and always easy. And with each imagined detail of a relationship they didn’t have, something true seemed to exist beneath the surface, ensuring the pretending would be that much simpler. And even more, it felt like they were building something outside of a cover. As friends, Helena kept reminding herself. 

But if it could only be as friends, and it really could only be as friends, Dinah made it worth it. Made it feel like nothing was lost and everything was gained. To know her was absolution in a world that offered no mercy. To know her was light. Helena would take it. Of course she would.

Then, of fucking course, shit escalated. 

“Okay, what about touching?” Dinah asked nonchalantly, not even looking up from where she was still writing the previous anecdotal detail.

Helena spat out the water she had just sipped (after finally deciding to drink it so it wouldn’t look like she had filled the glass for no reason), coughing and choking as Dinah held back a smile. When she could finally breathe again, she scowled. “What about it?”

“I mean, we’re gonna have to touch the way couples do. Just to keep up appearances. Casual stuff, but I think it’s worth discussing.” 

Casual. How could touching ever be casual with Dinah? With anyone for that matter? Again, Helena wasn’t trying to be different or judge anyone for what they chose to do with their bodies, but Helena had never really been touched all that much, so she could be particular about the way it happened. She was completely unused to it, and most of the time it produced a kind of sensory overload within herself. When she was a kid, her mother was affectionate, caring, but that had been so long ago that sometimes it felt like a dream. And now, she was all but a whole other person. A person who had never known a loving touch well enough to replicate one. Well enough to know what to do with one.

And, yeah, when she thought about it, her feelings surrounding touch were a little different when it came to Dinah. She didn’t know how it had happened, surely without her realizing, but Dinah got away with a lot of touching with Helena. And it mostly felt good. Overwhelming, sure. But good. 

While that meant touching wouldn’t be a problem between Dinah and herself in that she probably wouldn’t recoil from it or be unable to relax if Dinah kept a hand on her, it didn’t mean it wouldn’t cause a different set of problems from arising. 

Problems like falling for Dinah. Like reading deeper into a fake relationship than she was supposed to. Getting used to having Dinah around only for something to happen. Only for Dinah to get hurt. What if Helena couldn’t save her? (The question was a little dumb, and Helena knew that, because Dinah was more than capable of saving herself, but the fear persisted nevertheless.) Helena couldn’t bear to lose any more people. 

“Helena?” Dinah quietly interrupted her whirlwind of thoughts.

“Sorry,” she straightened, trying to feel every point of contact between her body and the chair to settle herself. 

When she felt like she was grounded once more, Helena took a quiet moment, thinking of how to explain herself. Finally, “You know how I am, Dinah. It’s hard for me to do certain things that come easy to the people who have had a normal life. And I’m not gonna use it as an excuse, but I was also serious when I said I need to stay focused. If I don’t, people will get hurt. And, well, it’s hard for me to stay focused when you… touch me.” Her hands flailed a little in the air, trying to grasp onto anything to assist in the conversation. “And I know we have to do it for the mission, so I don’t even really know what my point is,” Helena’s hands fell flat to the table, seemingly defeated, lost in the confusion. “Just. When you touch me, I think of everything I’ve missed out on. I think of everything I want that I can’t have. So we have to, I don’t know, go slow.” When she finished her voice was much quieter than it was at the beginning of her bumbled speech. Almost a whisper.

Dinah looked at Helena all the while, listening intently. “Helena,” she said, “Of course we’ll go slow. And it can all be on your terms. We can decide what we will and won’t do together. Then, when it comes down to it, if it’s ever too much, just let me know. I want you to feel comfortable around me, Helena.”

“I am comfortable around you. More comfortable than with anyone else.” 

Her blunt honesty never failed to make Dinah smile. “Good. I’m comfortable around you too. And that’s why this mission is going to work. I know you’re worried about getting distracted and whatever else, but we can keep each other in check, okay? You’re not the only one that loses focus sometimes,” she laughed.

Did that mean… Did Dinah get distracted by Helena too? No way. Not possible. Dinah? No. By Helena? Nope, not a chance.

Dinah, still watching the emotions play across Helena’s face, clarified, “Yes, Helena, sometimes I get distracted by you. Can’t you tell? Like at the stakeout?”

Helena just stared, dumbfounded. When Dinah looked at Helena, she saw something other than what Helena saw in herself. Something other than a cold-blooded, cold-hearted killer. Something worth looking at. God.

“Anyway,” Dinah continued, “I know you were thrown off by what happened at the stakeout, and I think we disagree about some aspects of giving into what we want, but when it comes to the mission, just know we’re on the same page. I wanna get this guy, and I wanna save these kids however they’re involved. If we have to hold hands or whatever else to do that, I know we can manage it.” 

She was so confident, Helena loved it and envied it at the same time, all while giving into what we want played on a loop in her head. Still, her faith in Dinah outweighed all else. “Yeah. Yeah we can do that.”

“Alright, great,” Dinah said, rapping her fist on the table twice. “So, holding hands… Easy enough right? Is that okay?” The pen was back in her hand, ready to write in on the card. 

Instantly, Helena thought about intertwining their fingers together, and though her heart skipped a beat, she felt okay. Better than that. She felt good. She felt safe. “Yes. Holding hands. Good.” She pursed her lips in an effort to appear collected.

Dinah wrote it down on the card before looking back up. “What about if I put my hand on your lower back, or you put your hand on my lower back? Still good?”

Helena could feel the warmth of it already. She wanted to spread her hand across the small of Dinah’s back, to feel the muscles flexing, to smooth her hand over the soft skin there, to pull her close, to-- “Yes,” Helena said, clenching her eyes shut for just a moment before opening them again. “Still good.” And she was telling the truth. She just had to reel herself back in. But she could do it. She was fine. She would be fine. 

“Hugging?” Dinah asked, twirling her pen between her fingers, gauging Helena’s answers.

“Yes.” Who didn’t like hugs? Well, Helena kind of didn’t, but again. Dinah. Different.

“Yes to hugging,” Dinah affirmed, writing it down. She paused then, seeming to think something over. 

“What is it?” Helena asked, taking another sip of her water.

“Well, feel free to say no, of course, but what are your thoughts on kissing?” 

To say Dinah was in the splash zone would be an understatement. Once again, the water spewed from Helena’s mouth, this time dousing Dinah. “Oh god,” Helena said, coughing. “I’m so sorry.” Helena ran into the kitchen to get a towel while Dinah brushed her off, surprised, yes, but amused more than anything.

When Helena returned with the cloth, without thinking she knelt and began to dab at Dinah’s chest and shirt, which had been hit the worst. Over and over she continued apologizing, and over and over Dinah assured her it was okay, until they both slowed down enough to realize their positions. 

Helena was kneeling in front of Dinah, putting their faces close together when she finally looked up from where she had been hopelessly trying to dry Dinah’s shirt. All at once, they stopped talking. The tension was thick. Their eyes searched each other, both waiting for some sort of sign. Nothing came, but wasn’t that a sign too?

Dinah was the first to speak up, “So, did the spitting mean no to kissing?” 

As she spoke, Helena could feel her breath. Wanted more. But was battling herself for it. What had Dinah told her to do in the stakeout? Say the first thing that came to her head? She could do that. “No,” she whispered, shaking her head, feeling like she was going to be struck down for wanting. Always wanting.

“Oh, okay,” Dinah said, face falling just the slightest bit, just enough for Helena to notice and realize what she said.

“I meant no as in yes. We could. Do that,” she basically forced the words past her teeth.

Dinah reached her hand up to push a stray piece of curly hair behind Helena’s ear. “H, you don’t seem too sure. It’s okay. We don’t have to.”

Honest, just be honest. “I--I want to. We should be convincing. For the mission. It’s just--”

“What?” Dinah asked, her hand burning into Helena’s cheek where she had left it after stroking the girls hair. 

The voices came back, always infiltrating her thoughts at her most troubled times. Letting people in is a dangerous game, Lena darling. A game you are bound to lose.

Dinah’s thumb brushed over her cheekbone, and suddenly, Helena was back, head clear. All she knew, all she saw, heard, felt, was Dinah, and that was enough. That was good. For once, it was clarifying instead of hindering. “I just don’t want the first, my first, to be like that. To be for the mission. To be for other people to see.”

And if they hadn’t been so close already, Dinah might not even have heard her. But they were. And she did. And she understood, of course, of course she did. “Helena,” she breathed out.

“I’m sorry.” Helena’s jaw clenched underneath Dinah’s fingers.

“Don’t be. Don’t ever be.” And Dinah smiled and it felt okay.

“Just this once. And then I need to be what I’m supposed to be. Do what I’m supposed to do. Is that okay?”

“Yes. You never have to explain yourself to me.” Dinah’s breath washed over Helena’s lips. When had they gotten closer?

“Okay,” Helena whispered, their noses brushing now, foreheads bumping, dancing around the inevitable. “Okay.”

And though Helena thought she didn’t have it in her, and Dinah thought that she should wait for Helena to close the distance, and they both were unsure of what any of this would mean but still wanted it all the same, Dinah and Helena met in the middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay kind of a cliffhanger i know. and im sorry. i swear. but its coming! next chapter! i just had to.
> 
> also, 200 kudos and counting!!?? yall are the best and im glad that im providing for those that are hungry for it. and again, leave comments! let me know what you liked! favorite parts, lines, etc! i know i haven't replied to any comments yet but i will. just know i love u :) 
> 
> and pls tell me in the comments that you want me to bust out the next chapter so we can all see the kiss that we know we deserve and that our babies most definitely deserve. i want it just as much as you. Until then! see you soon :)


	4. one step forward, one step back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the kiss, a good night's rest, and some good ole inner conflict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long! enjoy girls n gays!

The kiss was soft, their lips just lightly pressed together.

They held on, perhaps both of them fearing that if either of them moved, it would be over. 

If Helena’s lips shook, neither of them pointed it out. If it took everything in D not to deepen it, she did a great job of not showing it.

But Helena wanted her to. Because it would take it out of her own hands. She could fall into it and just feel guilty later. Tell herself another hundred times that this wasn’t for her. This type of life, affection and care and deep-seated feelings, it wasn’t for her. She knew it. But if Dinah was the one to press for more, Helena could pretend otherwise. She could pretend that if Dinah wanted her, and that was if and only if, then maybe she deserved to be wanted. 

And maybe that’s not the way this was, but regardless, she let herself have this one moment. Just a soft press of lips. It was everything she had wanted and so much more than she expected all at once. And despite the rush of feeling and emotion, Helena’s head felt clearer than ever. The lessons wanted to push through, to tell her what a mistake this was, all the bad things that could happen as a result, but frankly, they would have to wait until later. She was in the moment. And it felt good. Better than good. It felt like finally.

Dinah’s hand on her face helped keep her grounded. She was sure that without it she would’ve floated away long ago. It was a tether, keeping her balanced. And wasn’t that the most important part of all this? Of everything? There had to be balance. And it was right here. And it was easy. But it couldn’t last, right? Nothing good ever did.

But could it? Some law of nature out there had to allow for good things to stick. Even if Helena thought she didn’t deserve it, surely Dinah did. But maybe Helena wasn’t much of a good thing. 

Still, she was going to hold on to this moment if it was the only one she got, the only one she could have. And it hurt but it had to be

Helena moved her hands to Dinah’s thighs to give herself some leverage to angle in deeper. She had previously thought that all her instincts were good for were fighting and killing and hunting. But somehow this came to her. Somehow it just worked.

When Helena pushed in harder, tilting her head for a better angle, Dinah hadn’t been expecting it and gasped. And that. Oh god, that really did Helena in. Reflexively, she opened her own mouth against Dinah’s, and their lips began to move in tandem, pushing in and pulling back, ebbing and flowing, like the motion of the tides. Natural. Even. Gentle. Everything.

Helena closed her lips around Dinah’s full lower one (the one she always found herself staring at, just wishing she could know what it felt like to have between her own and now she did, god, she did) while moving her hands up D’s thighs to her waist, attempting to pull her closer without words, scooting her to the edge of the chair and as a result, Dinah’s legs spread to allow for Helena to move between them.

The warmth that had been born of the gentle pressing of their lips together had sparked, growing and burning into a fiery blaze that settled in Helena’s core. It felt like a dream. 

(Was it a dream?) 

(No, it was too real, they were too real.)

And more than anything in the whole world, Helena wanted to keep going. Preferably to never stop. But as the closeness escalated, as the heat burned hotter and brighter and became all-consuming, Helena began to lose her grip on her tether, wanting to continue, to slip her tongue against Dinah’s, to put her hands up underneath her little tanktop and the feel the burning there too, but it was getting to be too much.

And she hated it. Hated that she couldn’t help it. Hated that even when she wanted to let herself have more, her own head got in her way. 

The voices were banging on the door now, trying desperately to infiltrate her head. And she didn’t want them to get in. If they got in, guilt would replace the fire and the thirst that had awakened in her. And it would take over the other feelings too. The ache in her chest and the synchronized beating of the pulse in her neck and Dinah’s fingertips dancing along her skin. Helena didn’t consider herself pure, but her feelings for Dinah were nothing but, and they didn’t deserve to be tainted by the very lessons that had turned her into the monster she was today. 

So she pulled back. She didn’t want to. Fuck, she really didn’t want to. But she had to.

Dinah’s eyes stayed closed for a moment longer before opening, and fuck, her eyes were dark and her lips were shiny and kiss-bruised, and Helena hated herself for not being able to let go.

“Wow,” D said, smiling. And all at once, the voices stopped their knocking and Helena wasn’t really sure why, but whatever the reason, she was grateful for it. She couldn’t help but smile back.

“Um, yeah. That was… just, thank you,” Helena said bashfully, slowly pulling her hands back from Dinah’s waist and seeing that goosebumps had risen where her shirt had ridden up some. She clenched her eyes closed again, needing to center herself or fear that she might slip back into Dinah’s grasp once more. 

“H,” Dinah said, “You don’t have to thank me. Not for this. Not for something we both wanted. Okay?”

And she wasn’t really sure, but she trusted Dinah. “Okay.” Helena stood back up, moving to sit back down in her chair, feeling like the events of the past few minutes had been a figment of her imagination. Looking back at Dinah, though, she knew that wasn’t true. Because, well, somehow, Dinah looked just as affected as Helena, short of breath, chest moving rapidly, fingers twitchy like she wanted, needed them back on Helena’s bare skin. It sent a shiver down Helena’s spine, and she didn’t know how it was possible for Dinah to want this thing just as bad, but she chose to believe it. What else did she have?

As Dinah flipped through the flashcards, maybe just for something to do, a small smile still playing at the edges of her mouth, Helena spoke up nervously again, “Dinah, I really liked that.”

“Me too,” Dinah said slowly, sensing that Helena wanted to say more. “Are you gonna overthink it now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t want to.” Her fists had clenched on the table now.

“I know,” Dinah said simply, like she just got it, and maybe she did. Sometimes it really felt like she did. 

Helena’s voice was tight, her jaw clenched, as she said,“I don’t want to, but I might. So I guess I just want you to know that whatever happens next, this was good, and I’m trying my hardest to believe that. And I want to believe it. I just have so much…” she struggled to find the words, rubbing her temples with her fingertips. “I have so much shit in here.” She roughly pointed to her head, digging her finger into her skin hard, making Dinah twitch like she wanted to stop her. “And I have all these other things that I feel like I need to hold onto or I’ll lose myself or I’ll lose you or I’ll lose the nerve to do what I need to do for this city. And I-- I’m just--I’m sorry.”

Dinah took Helena’s hand from where it was lingering in the air, like it was looking for something to dig into, and placed it back on the table, knowing that keeping it between her own wasn’t what Helena needed in that moment. She brushed her thumb over Helena’s scarred knuckles once before pulling back to fiddle with the flashcards again. “Hey, we’ve talked about this. I don’t completely get it, and I don’t completely agree with it, but if it’s what you need, then it’s okay. And you don’t have to apologize, H. When are you gonna trust me on that?”

“I do trust you.”

“Good. Then trust me when I say that you still got me as a partner in crime, a fellow bird of prey, and a friend. Even if that’s where it has to stop. But I’m not gonna let you pull back further than that, okay? That’s where I’m gonna draw the line,” and she didn’t give one of her full smiles, not the big guy, but it was still there and it was nice. It did seem a little withdrawn. Like maybe she was nervous to demand a connection with the usually-stoic Helena. 

But Helena couldn’t ever be mad that Dinah wanted something from her, not that Dinah could know that. The girl was everything, and of course Helena meant that in a platonic way, of course. But even if it was just friendship or companionship on the battlefield, she would take anything she could get. Didn’t Dinah know that by now? 

And was it pathetic to settle for absolutely anything if it meant having Dinah in her life? Maybe. But att this point, she hardly cared, and that almost felt like growth. 

“Okay,” Helena agreed, returning the subtle smile. She thought for a moment, then, wanting to say more but unsure how.

“What is it?” Dinah asked. How did she always know?

Helena looked down at her hands flat on the table, avoiding the searching eyes of the other girl. “Um, if it’s okay with you, we can do that more. If you want. Y’know, for the mission,” she cut herself off before she said anything more embarrassing.

Dinah looked at her, eyes flicking back and forth between Helena’s own, before she affirmed, “For the mission.” The look of resolve on her face seemed to want to say more than Helena could read. But before Helena could push the issue, Dinah released a breath,“It’s getting late, and we probably have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. Or a big night at least. So I’m gonna head out.” She stood up, pushing in her chair (which Helena appreciated) and started heading towards the door.

Helena was a little confused at what felt like an abrupt change of conversation and mood. Not knowing any better, she let it drop and walked Dinah to the door. Standing there, Dinah already standing with one foot out the door, a quiet moment full of so many words unsaid thickened the air between them. It almost felt like they could kiss again, and it would almost be easy. Just a kiss goodbye. 

But a kiss was never really just a kiss, was it? Not for two people that had so much else going on. And not when Helena’s past refused to let her leave it behind, even if she had wanted to.

With one last curl of her lips upwards and an awkward wave from Helena, Dinah left. 

And as soon as she did, the very moment Helena closed the door, she found herself exhausted, realizing what a long, rollercoaster of a day it had been. 

She went through her nighttime routine, she loved routine, what could she say? Brushed her teeth, washed her face, and made one round through the apartment. She could never be too careful. Not just for safety reasons, but if there was anything to clean or organize (though there never really was) she would prefer to do it sooner. Waking up to a mess was unappealing. Really, it was just another habit she had picked up from her time in Italy. 

Then, as she passed through the kitchen/dining room, she saw the flashcards on the table. Dinah must have forgotten to take them. 

Helena hesitated for just a moment before deciding to text her. What was the harm, right? It was fine, it was just a text. She took a deep breath before pressing the send button as she got into bed. She pulled the comforter up to her shoulders, settling in and putting her phone on her side table, surprised when she heard it vibrate not a minute later. 

I left them for you, figured you might wanna have all the stuff we need in one place. To look over

Helena’s chest tightened, sort of pleased that Dinah continually showed that she really knew Helena, not just her surface anger and awkwardness, but the things she kept inside. Stuff that Helena usually kept to herself but Dinah seemed to figure out regardless. Was this what it felt like for someone to know you? Really know you? It was warm. It was… a lot. 

And at the same time, Helena again felt that conflict. That voice in her head that said letting someone know her is the most dangerous thing she could do. Her heartbeat sped up just as another text came in:

Don’t overthink it, Crossbow. We had a good day. 

And that was all. But it actually kind of did the trick?

Because it would be rude not to listen to her, right? And she couldn’t even be annoyed at the nickname. For a moment she tried to get angry at it, but even then, she actually sort of wanted to smile. 

She was just tired. Delirious maybe. 

Okay, Tight Pants. Thank you 

As soon as she sent it, she smacked her palm over her face. Tight Pants? Really? What kind of message was that?

Tight Pants because I told you I liked them. When we first met, she tried to clarify.

I got it, no need to explain.

Then, Dinah immediately sent another text, do you still like them?

Yes.

And Helena was just being honest. She wasn’t going to stop being honest. It had gotten her this far. It was fine. She was fine.

With that mantra replaying over and over in her head, she fell asleep. Soundly. And if she dreamt of Dinah at all, she would pretend not to remember in the morning.

\---

The next day, Helena woke up late, meaning, around nine o’clock. To her surprise, she felt rested, or at least more rested than she had been feeling as of late. It was refreshing. She was content.

Checking her phone she saw that she had a missed call from Renee from 3 hours ago. She wondered if the girl even slept at all last night. Sometimes when they were on a case, Renee could get so caught up in it that she forgot to do the things that people generally needed to do - eat, sleep, drink (water), etc. Helena found herself worrying about it sometimes, but in general she knew Montoya could take care of herself. Still, Renee deserved a break. She worked hard. They all did. 

The call was followed by a few texts from Dinah, mostly just saying that Renee had some more info about Bucha Boy and that she should come to the warehouse whenever she could, but that there was really no rush. It was finished with sleep well. 

She had slept well. To some extent, she had been expecting not to, what with the guilt over the kiss. But that was the thing. Did she feel guilty? If she started thinking about it, then yes. But it was only when she went looking for the bad feelings that she found them. If anything, right before she had fallen asleep, she had felt a sense of security that she hadn’t had in a long time. That warmth that she had come to associate with Dinah. 

God, she was so gay. When had that happened?

Obviously it had always been inside her, the gayness that is, but when had it become such a force? 

When her mind filled with memories of the first time she had seen Dinah, that time at Sionis’s club when she had been watching Zsasz from the shadows, she tried to push them away to no avail. 

Helena had seen Dinah then, though it hadn’t necessarily registered in the moment. She had been more focused on Zsasz, as she should have been. But still, that memory of her lingered, Dinah trying to de-escalate the situation, opposing Zsasz’s insistence that that girl Erika was laughing at Sionis. Dinah had looked so strong. She was strong. It was obvious that she was. 

So it had broken Helena’s heart to see Dinah wipe away the singular tear that had tracked down her cheek as Sionis assaulted the girl. To some extent Helena hadn’t really considered her heart a working muscle prior to that. And it made her angry too, to see a man completely dominate one woman while making another feel powerless simultaneously. 

Even more so when Sionis grabbed Dinah and made her dance with him. 

In that moment, Helena had lost sight of revenge, though she refused to admit it to herself. She had actually wanted to save someone for once, instead of just relying on the blind desire to make someone pay for the crimes they had committed. It was new and scary and of course she hadn’t yet known that Dinah didn’t need anyone to save her, but for just that one moment, Helena’s vision had cleared. She had wanted something else. Almost desperately. Almost.

But an instant later, upon realizing her window for killing Zsasz had gone, Helena snapped back to reality. To her purpose. She couldn’t let any distractions get in her way. And okay, it had worked out regardless, and now she had a sort of new purpose (though it was taking a long time to adjust and she feared she never would), but she should have known then and there that her attraction to Dinah could have negative consequences. 

As she got dressed, just a simple sweater and jeans today but making sure to bring the suit along as well, and packed her weapons bag for the day, the conflict within her continued (because of course it did). Did it ever really stop?

She wasn’t sure if she was just trying to justify her actions or not, but if she hadn’t been distracted by Dinah at the club, then she wouldn’t have had to go to the Booby Trap to finish the job on Zsasz. And if she hadn’t gone there, she wouldn’t have officially met Harley or Renee or Cassandra (or Dinah). And the thought of that, god. It made her chest ache. And who knows if they would have had enough force to take out everyone if she hadn’t been there too. Not to pat herself on the back, god no, just, they needed the numbers. And Helena knew she was a killing machine. If she could use it for good, then, well, good, right? Was it a stretch? She didn’t know. She hoped not. 

Where did that leave her? What was she allowed?

She had no fucking idea. 

Better not to dwell on it, then. 

(As if.)

One thing she could alway rely on, though, besides her incredible ability to overthink everything she ever did, was how good it felt to mount her bike and speed through the streets. So that’s what she did.

As Helena weaved between cars and whipped around corners, she felt a smile growing on her lips. She almost wanted to shout for joy. She must’ve really missed her motorcycle. It wasn’t about the events, or event, that had happened the day before and it couldn’t be that she was about to see a certain girl, no way. Just the pure power and force she had underneath her and the cold wind whipping her clothes and chilling her skin, making her feel alive, waking her up.

For someone that kind of sucked at lying, Helena lied to herself, like, all the time. 

When Helena walked into the warehouse, Renee was pacing and talking loudly on the phone. It might’ve been more worrisome, but for the most part, that was just how Renee did business. Loudly. Abrasive. Dedicated. Not unlike the way she was with anything else. Helena stared at her for a moment to see if she could make anything out, until Renee caught her staring and flipped her off. Classic. Rolling her eyes, Helena kept walking toward the back room. 

In the back, Dinah was sitting at the table rather than the couch (new), both feet on the floor instead of kicked up on another chair (also new), and an almost impatient look adorned her face which was usually very even and collected (quite different). Had something happened? 

“Um,” Helena made herself known, “Is everything okay?” She sat down in the chair across from Dinah.

“Oh,” Dinah perked up, “Yeah. I was waiting for you.”

Waiting for Helena? Really?

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Dinah smiled. She pushed a steaming mug across the table to Helena. “Here, I made you some more tea. Since you’ve seemed a little tired lately.”

Even though Dinah had done the same thing the day before, Helena was taken aback. “Thank you.” She smiled. It came to her easily. It was nice. Without thinking (for once), she continued, “Actually, it’s funny, I don’t feel that tired today. I don’t know why. I feel kind of… refreshed or something.” She sipped her tea, oblivious to any and all reasons that might be the cause of her rejuvenation, reasons that might or might not have been sitting right in front of her. 

“That’s good. I was getting a little worried about you. I mean, I know you’re always focused and shit but lately it’s been a different kind. I’m glad you’re feelin’ a little better.”

“You were worried about me?” Helena asked, hardly having heard any of the rest of what Dinah said.

“Yeah, Crossbow. Course I was.”

And Helena smiled. 

Then Dinah continued, “I mean, we all gotta have each other’s backs, y’know?”

“Oh,” Helena said, a little more muted now. “Yeah, of course.” 

And Dinah was right. Helena understood. Her exhaustion put them all at risk. Dinah was worried for the Birds. She got it. 

“So,” Helena pushed on, “What were you waiting on me for?”

Dinah put her own mug down and leaned forward. “Oh yeah, I forgot. I told Renee that we figured most of our background shit out and then she asked what our names were. So, we kinda left out the most basic part of our identities by accident. We’ll be way too detectable if we don’t come up with aliases.”

“Okay,” Helena said, getting into work mode. “That makes sense. Did you come up with one?”

“Yeah, but I wanted to see what you thought of it. I was thinking of Dee Starling. You already call me ‘D’ sometimes, so that makes it easier, and then Starling sounds kind of fancy, and if we’re supposed to have money, may as well sound the part. Plus it’s another type of bird. So it’s like an inside joke to us.” Dinah sat back, pleased with herself. 

“Inside joke?” The concept sounded familiar, but in all honesty Helena wasn’t sure what it was, and she was used to making a fool out of herself when it came to things like this.

“Yeah, like you and me get the joke, but no one else we meet would get why it’s funny to us. It’s like a shared thing. Between you and me,” and Dinah didn’t even flinch when she said any of it, but Helena did. 

How was she supposed to keep herself reigned in when Dinah said things like that and talked about shared things between them and explained stuff that any normal person would know without making Helena feel bad about it? How was she supposed to do what she needed to do? How was she supposed to be invulnerable when even the simplest of gestures from Dinah made her, for lack of a better word, vulnerable? 

It was killing her, and she hated feeling out of control, but more than anything she hated that she didn’t actually hate it. She only wanted more. Always. And this wasn’t really anything right? At most, Helena was reading into a friendly conversation, so she could let herself have this.

Right? 

“Between you and me,” Helena echoed. Right.

“What about you?” Dinah asked. “Got any ideas?”

Helena thought for a moment. All she could think of was nicknames that her family had used to call her, but all of those hurt and none of them would do. “No.”

Dinah tapped her fingers on the table, eyes looking around like something in the room might help. “Helen? No, that’s too close. Hmm… Hayden? Too preppy? Harper, Holly, Hattie, Heidi, Hazel,” she rapidly-fired. Helena was just shocked that she could come up with so many on the spot. Dinah continued, “Nah, none of those really fit you, do they?”

And again, the implications of something fitting Helena versus not fitting her meant that Dinah knew Helena in some way, and she wanted to hold onto that feeling of really being known by a person that she cared about, but instead filed it away in a place deep inside herself. The place where she kept the things that weren’t for her. A lockbox that she opened only in her weakest moments where it felt like if she didn’t just have even a snippet of something good, she might die. 

And yeah, that was dramatic, definitely an exaggeration, which she wasn’t exactly prone to. But didn’t it feel like that sometimes? When you wanted something so badly but you felt like you couldn’t have it? Or worse, didn’t deserve it?

Now, it wasn’t like all of this was just going through Helena’s head all the time. She didn’t really think like that. She tried not to think about what she wanted at all. But the pain was there. The aching she got in her chest when she laid in bed alone at night. The yearning that was always lingering in the peripheries of Helena’s mind but transformed into a blaze around Dinah. Those feelings were always there. And god, did they hurt. 

Helena knew it would be worse though. To give in. That very fact had been drilled into her for more than half her life. Of course she was going to believe it. She didn’t have anything else.

“Helena?” Dinah called softly.

“Oh, sorry. Um, yeah. I don’t know if those are me.” Because Dinah was right. They weren’t. “I mean, I know I can’t use it, but I guess I’m kind of attached to my own name.”

Dinah didn’t even have to ask. Helena could see on her face that she knew why.

Her name predated her transformation into a killing machine. It was all that was left of her childhood. It was all that was left of her family. 

“Did you know I’m named after my mom?” Dinah spoke up.

“You are?”

“Yeah. When she died, I kind of lost myself a little bit. I don’t hold it against myself now because I did what I had to do to get by, but I worried all the time about whether or not I was doing right by her back then. Whether or not she would be proud of me. If I even deserved to share her name,” Dinah spoke so quietly.

“How did you figure it out?”

“We’re doing good things, Helena. Sometimes it’s as simple as doing good things for people, standing up for the people who can’t. Renee knows that, I know that, and I think you do too.”

“I do?” Helena wasn’t so sure.

“Yeah,” Dinah said softly, looking into Helena’s eyes. “I can tell you do.”

And Helena wanted to believe it. She really did. And maybe she would try, for Dinah.

“Is that why you came up with the name Huntress?” Dinah asked.

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, you kinda lose it when people get your name wrong. And then, at the Booby Trap, when Renee figured out who you really are… I just mean, you try to keep them separate. Helena and Huntress.”

Honestly, she hadn’t ever thought about it before. But Jesus fuck, Dinah was good. 

Helena tried so hard to hold onto any aspect of who she was before, even if it was just superficially, through her name and that alone. Obviously, she knew she couldn’t keep her identities completely separated, like, when she killed, even if she was in her Huntress suit, it was still Helena doing it, enjoying it even. But sometimes she wished that it wasn’t. Wished that Helena was still the girl ignorant to her family’s business, just a kid that loved playing with her brother and got her hair brushed by her mother every night. 

“Yeah, I guess I do try to separate them. I know it’s not completely possible. The things I’ve done are who I am, and I accept that,” Helena said, resigned.

At the same time, she wondered how they got here? They always seemed to give parts of themselves away to each other without even realizing it. Was it a good thing?

A moment of silence passed, in which Helena’s fists were clenched on her lap and Dinah’s own hands twitched like she wanted to reach out, before Renee all but kicked the door down as she entered. “Alright guys, I got some more information.” 

It took a moment longer for Helena and Dinah to pull their eyes away from each other, long enough for Renee to roll her eyes at them without either of them noticing. Then, they both turned their full attention to Renee, Helena clenching her eyes tight for one second and opening them up again to clear her head. It was time to work. Her job. Her duty. That was who she was.

“Okay, so,” Renee started, “Bucha Boy is planning an investor’s trip. That means you guys only have tonight to get in his inner circle to be invited on said trip. I’m thinkin’ this trip is really key to getting deeper in his organization and figure out exactly what he’s up to.”

“What if we can’t get in? What if he doesn’t like us?” Dinah asked.

“Not really an option,” Renee answered. “This is our only chance to infiltrate his shit from the inside. To see what the fuck is going on. And, I have a feeling that money is his biggest motivator. So if he likes you just enough and you have the money to back it up, we should be all good.”

“And then what?” Helena blurted. “We have to go on this trip with him?” She didn’t like the sound of a prolonged cover, especially since it was getting harder and harder to keep her feelings in check around Dinah. 

“Yeah, that’s the idea,” Renee said simply. “We can’t do this forcefully, Helena. We don’t know how many followers he’s got or if someone else would just step up if we took him out. The safest way to do this is subtly. Believe me, I’d much rather beat his ass, but we can’t. Not this time. Not yet, at least,” Renee finished.

Helena was good at the waiting game. Her whole life was a testament to that. But this was just a bit further outside her comfort zone, that was all. “Okay. Fine. That’s fine,” she said, looking over to Dinah to see if she agreed. 

Dinah gave her a reassuring nod, and Helena was sold.

God, this was getting out of control. Or had already gotten out of control. So often it was hard to tell. 

“Okay,” Renee said, “Now that we got that figured out, did you come up with names?” 

“I’ve got mine,” Dinah replied, “But we haven’t come up with one for Helena yet.” 

“Are you kiddin’ me, you guys? That’s the easiest fuckin’ part, and we got other shit to do” Renee said, always so sympathetic.

Dinah sighed calmly, rolling her eyes at Renee. “We got distracted, alright? We have time, it’ll be fine.”

Helena wasn’t sure who Dinah was trying to reassure, as the words were aimed at Renee, but she could feel their relevance burning into her skin, entering her bloodstream, traveling through her body to her head, her brain. Distracted. It was true, wasn’t it? Dinah probably hadn’t realized what that one word could do to Helena. It’s what she had always been warned against during her training. Distraction was the real enemy. It would make her lose focus, pull her away from her purpose, make her forget what she was doing and who she was doing it for and why. 

But hadn’t she done what she needed to do already? Hadn’t she completed the mission that she set out on all those years ago? Hadn’t she done enough? 

Helena closed her eyes while Dinah and Renee continued to bicker in the background, clenched her fists once more. She could feel that rush of sensory overload falling over her, she could hear the voices pressing in closer. 

Distraction. It will ruin you, Lena, and when you fall it will make it impossible for you to get back up. She thought of her shakiness after Dinah had almost died. She had used precious time to get it to stop, time she wouldn’t always have. 

You will get hurt, Lena. If she got hurt, people would die, kids would die. 

The people around you will get hurt, Lena. She thought of Renee and Dinah and how she liked having them around and how they had become a comfort and how they had developed such a strong system together, the Birds of Prey. 

The ones you love will get hurt, or worse. And she thought of someone, but she tried not to, tried desperately not to, blocking the face from her mind but still getting the feeling of her. The warmth. The ease. 

“Lena. That’s the name I want,” Helena said, finally opening her eyes.

Renee and Dinah turned to her, stopping whatever they had transitioned into talking about. 

“Lena,” Dinah repeated back. “Okay, that works, right?” She turned to Renee.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Last name?”

They were both speaking quietly, like they sensed something was off. Helena didn’t care though, or maybe she did, but she didn’t want to. “I don’t care. You guys can choose,” she said standing up abruptly. “I… have to use the restroom, I’ll be back.”

And she walked out of the room, Renee writing their cover names on the whiteboard for something to do and Dinah staring after her, eyebrows pulled together, wanting to reach out. If Helena could feel Dinah's gaze burning into a spot on her back, she ignored it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i am truly sorry for the wait, got caught up with finals and quarantine/lockdown and all that good stuff :/ BUt anyway! i hope you're all being safe and social distancing and washing your hands and I hope this makes these uncertain times even just a little bit better :) 
> 
> hoping i'll be able to get the next chapter out sooner than this one, and as always, let me know what you think down below! do you want to give Helena a hug? let me know in the comments! want more kisses? tell me that too! do u think Renee can tell exactly what's going on between these gay disasters? give me all your thoughts and what you want more of and what you liked. 
> 
> your comments kept me going through any writing blocks i had and i appreciate them so much! mwah, stay safe out there and see u soon


	5. wanting more gives Helena whiplash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so basically this was MEANT to have the gala in it, but the chapter was turning into a bit of a monster, so here's more prelude (aka Helena proves again that she's the master of inner conflict and Dinah as always is understanding and caring and we love to see it) and the gala is coming soon I PROMISE
> 
> also i don't think u can be too mad since there Might be another kiss

Because Helena couldn’t exactly leave the warehouse (given that their mission was just hours away now and according to Renee they had more to go over), she actually did go to the restroom. Thankfully, it had been upkept pretty well by whoever had last owned the space, something Helena had looked into before they settled the purchase, and now she cleaned it meticulously and often, mostly because even though the other girls didn’t care so much, Helena did. Order. She needed it. 

As she gripped the sink, letting her head slump between her shoulders, she thought that maybe she had never felt less in control. And it was no one’s fault but her own. It certainly wasn’t Dinah’s fault. Helena just needed to tighten her focus. 

Helena relaxed her hands on the sink, trying to clear her head, thinking only of the sensation of the cool porcelain underneath her palms. She took a deep breath in, held it, released. Breath in, hold, release. Her heart rate began to slow and the tension in her muscles lessened some, which was really the best she could do. 

She was fine. She could do this. The name Lena would keep her grounded for the duration of the mission, a mission which could so easily make her lose her grip on just about everything, and all because she had to pretend to be in love with Dinah. Pretend. Just pretend. She couldn’t get caught up in it. She wouldn’t. Right. She was fine. 

And they were going to be busy, right? Sure, it was a gala, but they had work to do, information to get, people to interact with, and though Helena usually hated the latter, it meant she wouldn’t even really have time to wallow in the feeling of Dinah’s hand in her own or Dinah’s warmth at her side or Dinah’s smooth skin under her own calloused hands or Dinah, Dinah, Dinah… 

Yeah, this could be bad. But, in order for it to be good, Helena just had to make it… Well, she just had to make it not be bad. 

Hopefully having Dinah at her side would make it easier. They worked well together, that was a fact that couldn’t be ignored, shouldn’t be ignored, really. Also, whether or not she was willing to admit it (she definitely wasn’t), Helena had woken up when Dinah’s lips touched her own. It had been such a relief to give in, and even the bits and pieces of guilt that followed weren’t really enough to take that away from her. She felt more rested than ever and the weight that usually adorned her shoulders had changed too. Still there, but somehow less strained, a little easier to carry.

And really, it wasn’t even just the kiss that did it. Just being around Dinah felt like… Like the way sunlight felt on your skin. Or like the smell of fresh laundry. Dinah was comfort. She was light. 

It all felt so good that Helena wanted to scream at herself in the mirror, to ask what the hell the problem was. If Dinah was so good, and Helena knew she was, and she made Helena feel safe and comfortable and less, like, restless, like if she stopped moving everyone around her would die or at least get hurt or leave her behind, then what was stopping them? What was stopping Helena from giving in?

But Helena had never been so good at analyzing herself, especially when it came to the tough questions. 

Looking in the mirror, Helena rubbed her hands over her face. This reprieve had only made her more confused, but what else was new? Because, when it really came down to it, Helena knew what she wanted and she knew that in some way, even if not exactly the same, the feeling was reciprocated. It was just, anytime she thought about letting herself have something, someone, the feelings of doubt came creeping back in, the voices of her past told her it wouldn’t work, her own voice in her head told her she wasn’t meant for it.

Mostly, Helena wanted the pain of all this uncertainty, all this inner conflict, all the dredging up of the things she had done to get here, to go away. The worst thing was she knew it was her own fault that she couldn’t let go, but she couldn’t stop. 

Focus, Lena, and this time, the voice didn’t come from the men that had raised her to be a killer. It came from herself. Maybe if she held herself accountable, her past would leave her the fuck alone.

A knock sounded at the door. “Helena?” Dinah called.

“Just a second!” Helena shouted. With one last look in the mirror, taking in the scowl and determination that had settled over her features and looked so different from the almost happy, younger face she had seen just that morning staring back at her, Helena turned away and yanked the door open.

Instantly Helena stepped back a foot, not realizing how close Dinah would be. “Um, hey,” Helena said, trying to sound as if she hadn’t just had a near-breakdown in the bathroom. She leaned against the doorframe. “What’s up?”

The attempt at being casual must have failed because despite everything, it made Dinah’s worried face relax some, and when her dimple in her cheek appeared, Helena knew she was trying to hold back a smile.

Helena couldn’t help but give a small one in return. 

And just like that, everything seemed a little more okay. It was that easy. And maybe it shouldn't have been. But it was. 

“Are you laughing at me?” Helena asked, still smiling.

“Only a little.”

“Well in that case.”

It was quiet for a moment before Dinah asked, “You okay?”

And she didn’t know what made her say it, or how it managed to just come out of her mouth the way it did, but Helena responded, “Better now.” Maybe it came so easy because it was true. Lying would be harder. That was it. Helena wasn’t going to lie. 

Dinah really did smile then, one of those slow-stretching ones, the kind that started small but turned into something all-encompassing. It was beautiful. One of Helena’s favorites. “Alright, I’ll let you off the hook since you’re being so smooth, but if you want to talk later, just let me know, okay?”

Helena just nodded, intending to definitely not do that because it seemed hard and because she generally preferred to keep things to herself, but Dinah spoke up again, blocking Helena from exiting. “I’m serious, Helena. It might help, y’know? Even Renee could tell something was hurting you in there, it was right there on your face, and she doesn’t know what to say, but she doesn’t want you to feel like that when it comes to us doing our jobs, when it comes to doing good. And,” she paused, swallowing hard, “I think you know that I really don’t like seeing you hurt. And if you didn’t know before, now you do. We care about you. I care about you.”

It was a lot to take in at once, and Helena was at a loss for words, but she felt it somewhere deep. And it kind of hurt. But it was good. “Okay. Okay. I--I’ll try.”

“Alright, good,” Dinah said, moving out of the way and turning to walk back to where Renee was surely waiting impatiently for them to return. 

With Dinah’s back turned to Helena she felt just a little bolder, and she ran with it before anything got in her way. “I care about you too. And I’m sorry. For being so… difficult.”

Dinah froze in her tracks, her shoulders slumping as she turned back around. Maybe it was because they were just outside the door to the conference room, or maybe it was something else, but Dinah nearly whispered, “Helena… What are you talking about?”

Truthfully, Helena hadn’t expected a clarification, so she didn’t really know what to say. “What do you mean? I-- I just know how I can be, okay?And I know it’s not always easy, I know that. My… whatever they were, the people that raised me after my family died, they did a lot for me, and even though sometimes I think I blame them for making me this way, at the same time, whatever’s wrong with me has always been wrong with me. It was made worse by everything that’s happened to me. But maybe it was always there. And I keep saying ‘it,’ and I don’t even really know what I mean by that, but I can feel it.” She stopped, a little embarrassed but mostly out of breath, not usually being one to bare her soul like that. “I can feel it, and it hurts,” she finished quietly. 

Dinah’s eyes were wide and glassy, her eyebrows pulled together, creating a cute little wrinkle in between them that Helena didn’t necessarily want to notice but couldn’t help regardless. There was a frustration there too, and Helena knew she was to blame. “God, Helena, I don’t how how to explain to you that-- that you’re not-- for fuck’s sake, Helena, you’re not a burden and there’s nothing wrong with you! Or if there is, it’s not something that needs fixed and it’s not something that’s your fault.” She approached Helena slowly with her hands out in front of her like the girl was a scared, wild animal, and maybe in some way she was. “The only thing that needs any type of adjustment is whatever is in your head that makes you feel this way. That makes you feel like you can’t just be. Whatever set you off back there, you don’t deserve that. And I’m not taking any notes or arguments on this, so let’s just go get ready, and you just… just try to listen to me. Please.”

And with that, she turned and walked into the room without another word, plopping down on the couch.

Helena followed, not sure what to think but mostly trying not to think at all. Exhaustion had settled deep into her bones once more. She walked in stiffly, hoping she looked unaffected but absolutely sure she was failing.

Sitting at the table, she could feel Renee and Dinah’s eyes on her, but she pointedly didn’t return their gazes, choosing instead to look at her folded hands on the table. Clenching her jaw, she asked, “Okay, what else do we need to go over? I’m ready to work.” 

After a short, tension filled moment, Renee said, “While you guys were being loud in the bathroom and then being loud in the hallway, I came up with your last name. Lena Hunte. You good with that?”

Helena nodded. It was actually kind of perfect. And she kind of felt bad for running out before. But she didn’t really know how to apologize and when she apologized to Dinah, everything just seemed to have gotten worse. She didn’t know what to do. “Um, thank you. It’s great.”

“It’s a play on Huntress,” Renee said, obviously proud of herself. 

“Yeah, I got that. It’s a nice touch,” Helena said.

“That’s really clever, Renee,” Dinah added. “Good. Easy to remember.”

Renee looked back and forth between them. “You guys are being fuckin’ weird. And I don’t care what you do on your own time, I really don’t, but if whatever’s going on gets in the way of anything else, I’ll beat both your asses.” Apparently, that was that, as she dove seamlessly into what the gala would look like and whether or not there was anyone to look out for, as well as going into some of the other investors’ backgrounds.

Helena listened intently but still, she couldn’t help but look over at Dinah every once in a while. The girl looked calm and determined and none of the frustration or worry that had taken over her features during her speech lingered at all. How did she never lose focus?

Then, Dinah flicked her eyes to Helena. She must have felt Helena staring. Of course. Helena wasn’t the only one with above-average senses. 

As always, their eyes meeting was the catalyst for a surge of emotions to rise in Helena’s chest. Somehow, she could still hear Renee describing Bucha Boy’s right hand man with perfect clarity while simultaneously taking in Dinah’s cheekbones and eyes and full lips, and she found herself desperately wanting to run her hands gently over the songbird’s face. She had never been gentle with anything in her life, didn’t know if she could, but she wanted to try. 

On the table, if Helena had looked, she would’ve seen her fists unclench, her fingers twitch in anticipation (for something other than a fight, shocker).

Dinah, for her part, stared right back. And she wasn’t smiling, that seemed expected given the tone of their last conversation, but her features were still soft. Always so soft with Helena. 

Could Helena listen to what Dinah said? Was she even capable of letting go? Of letting people in? 

Sighing, she pulled one corner of her mouth up in an attempted smile, just to let Dinah know that… that she wasn’t mad or ignoring her or anything like that. Maybe she would even try to take Dinah’s words to heart. Just maybe. It was the least she could do for the girl. Helena wasn’t sure what she deserved herself, but she did know that Dinah deserved everything, and if that was just a way to justify giving herself a break, then she would actively try not to think about it. 

In return, Dinah gave a small smile right back, and it was enough. It had to be enough for now. A truce. An agreement to do what they needed to do for the mission. Everything else would have to wait. 

Several hours of constant information and testing of their covers later (because apparently Renee didn’t trust that they had already done enough studying), Renee dismissed them to get ready for the gala while she talked to some other contact on the phone.

Dinah offered for Helena to change in the bathroom, somehow just knowing Helena wouldn’t be comfortable doing it in front of anyone (and it shouldn’t have surprised Helena that Dinah could just sense things like that but it still did and it felt good but also gave her that feeling like her chest might cave in), saying she didn’t mind getting ready in the conference room. 

It didn’t take very long for Helena to change, and she was so caught up in her own head about how the night would go and how to keep her focus and how intertwining her fingers with Dinah’s might feel, that she didn’t quite think about the fact that Dinah might take a little longer than herself to get ready. 

At least, she didn’t think about it until she walked in on Dinah with her lavender dress pulled up only halfway, leaving her torso naked except for a lacy, strapless bra, which didn’t do much in terms of covering up. “Oh shit,” Helena yelled, covering her eyes and whipping herself around so fast that she almost fell over. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t--I didn’t realize.” 

Dinah laughed, “Helena, it’s fine. I’m honestly a little surprised it hasn’t happened before.”

“Do you change here often?”

“I mean, kinda. I don’t like wearing my Black Canary outfit home. I like to wipe the day clean before I get there,” Dinah answered, and her voice sounded closer, but Helena couldn’t be sure what with her heart pounding in her ears in an effort to drown out the image of Dinah’s body that was aching to come to the forefront of her mind. 

“Mm,” Helena gritted out, wanting to give off an air of nonchalance, “I used to do that too. I guess I got so used to being just Huntress and no one else for so long that it stopped mattering at some point.” Helena pressed her hands over her eyes a little tighter, finding it to sort of be a comfort.

When Dinah’s raspy, soothing voice rang out again, it came from right next to Helena, almost feeling like it was spoken straight into her soul, “Helena, you never stopped being you. You had to do a lot of things that I know you wanted to keep separate from yourself, but you did them all for your family, and I think you can be forgiven for that.” 

Helena swallowed hard, unsure and unwilling. “I can?”

“Yes,” Dinah said simply, as if that was all there was to it. And maybe it was. “Now, can you turn around for me? I need help with the zipper.”

As if in a trance, Helena managed to turn around but still kept her hands over her eyes. “Okay.”

Dinah laughed again, “I think you’re gonna need your hands.” 

And, of course Helena knew what she meant, but the implications, god, it was too much. Her hands were stuck. Glued. “Maybe Renee can do it. I’m fine, seriously, I’m really okay. It’s just, my hands are already doing something, and if I do you-- I mean, like, do your zipper, not you, I’d have to move them. And I can’t. So.” At that point, words were just coming out, and she couldn’t even hear herself talking. She was fine. Clearly.

Apparently, Dinah was having none of that because warm hands wrapped themselves around Helena’s wrists. Immediately, the tension fell from Helena’s shoulders and neck, and Dinah pulled Helena’s hands away from her face easily. So, so easily. 

Luckily, Helena’s eyes were still clenched shut, and it made Dinah laugh, and Helena would be dumb and gay all the time if it meant she could hear such music over and over.

“Open your eyes, Helena. I promise I don’t bite.” The smirk was evident in her tone.

And again, the implications, right? But, with a voice like that Dinah could probably tell Helena to do anything, and she would do it. She would do anything for Dinah. In a heartbeat. “Okay, okay.”

Helena blinked, adjusting to the fluorescent lighting of the room. When her eyes came into focus, Dinah’s back was already turned to Helena, which was very good for Helena’s sake because her breath caught at the sheer amount of smooth skin on display. 

The dress gaped open, unzipped all the way down to her tailbone, presumably right above the curve of her ass. The only thing keeping it up was Dinah clutching the front of it to her chest. Helena found herself wanting it to fall, knowing that if it did, she would, quite probably, die. She was okay with that. What a way to go, right?

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Helena shakily gripped the zipper with her right hand and pulled it upwards slowly, if only to drag out her sweet torture and prevent herself from touching Dinah’s bare skin. Even so, the dress was too tight to avoid all touching, and each time Helena’s scarred knuckles grazed Dinah’s smooth skin, it sent electric shocks through Helena’s body. And when she saw goosebumps rise on Dinah’s skin, she was sure she was dreaming. So much so that she was tempted to pinch herself, but, well, her hands were preoccupied. 

The next time her fingers skimmed Dinah’s warm skin, the shorter girl sucked in a sharp breath.

“Sorry,” Helena’s voice came out as a whisper, “Are my hands cold?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

And by then the zipper was effectively zipped, but Helena’s fingers lingered where they had stopped at the top of Dinah’s spine, and the only sounds that could be heard were the breathing of the two girls. Synchronized. Hard. Wanting.

It would be so easy to sink into the feeling, to sink her fingers into Dinah’s skin. To turn her around and do what it felt like they were made to do. This was the only thing that made Helena think she was meant for more than destruction, and it was right there in front of her, and she knew it would feel so good to give in, but she was so afraid of any hurt that might follow. 

Helena was gripping the zipper so hard she thought it might snap, but she managed to pull back, putting a few feet between herself and Dinah, trying to shake her head clear of the pure, unadulterated want. She didn’t know how she had the strength. 

Clearing her throat, Helena said, “Okay, all done.”

With one last (shaky?) exhale, Dinah turned back around to face Helena, and yeah, Helena had loads and loads of training under her belt, years and years and years of it, but nothing could prepare her for the look in Dinah’s eyes and the heavy movements of her chest. 

Dinah’s pupils were blown and her eyes were so dark they were almost black, and they looked, well Helena couldn’t be sure, but they looked like they wanted something, and that maybe they wanted it bad enough to make Helena forget everything she had ever learned and that maybe that would be okay. 

All of this was going through Helena’s head while she was taking in Dinah in that dress simultaneously and god, what was she going to do? 

She was going to lose it, that’s what. She didn’t stand a chance. 

The neckline dipped low, giving an ample view of Dinah’s chest and cleavage. The whole of it was form-fitting all the way down, hugging the songbird’s waist and hips and legs and and and… There was so much to look at that Helena sort of felt like she was being overloaded with sensory details and usually it made her feel like she was going to die, but this was different. Her heart was beating fast, but it wasn’t nerve wracking, it wasn’t terrifying, it just was, it just existed like it wanted to exist for Dinah and Dinah only. 

It felt amazing.

Helena must have been quiet because Dinah asked, smirking, “Well?”

She quickly darted her eyes back to Dinah’s own. “Um. Yes. Yeah. You look…”

Dinah lifted her eyebrows, waiting, amused.

With a deep breath, Helena just tried to say the first thing that came to her, hoping it wouldn’t sound idiotic but deciding that submitting to the honesty of her brain was the only thing she could really do. “I think gods would start wars over you. And men would too, but they start wars for any reason they can. With gods, it would mean something more. Like, you’re so above this world that even gods wouldn’t know what to do. That’s what you look like. Like you’re from another world. A better one.”

When Dinah’s smirk slowly faded from her face, Helena was sure she should apologize. Sure that she had crossed some line and needed to reel it back in before it was too late.

But, before Helena could say anything at all, Dinah asked softly in a rush of words, “Can I ask you to do me one favor? And you’re not allowed to overthink it if you say yes. This can be a no-strings-attached kind of deal, I just need this one thing. Before we have to pretend.” By the end, it almost sounded like pleading, but even if it wasn’t, Helena would be sold. For Dinah? Anything.

Helena nodded, unable to produce words, fearing if she did, she would overthink them. And this really didn’t seem like the time.

“Kiss me. Please.”

And the dam broke. Just like that.

Helena lunged forward before she lost her courage, taking Dinah’s face between both of her hands and pressing their lips together. 

This kiss was different than the last time (though Helena was dumbfounded that there even was a last time because in what world did she get to kiss Dinah Lance twice? In what world did she deserve that?) because there was no buildup. No soft exploration. It was pure heat, like they were afraid it would be the last time, which was stupid because they were about to go undercover as girlfriends, but it would be different. They would be faking, pretending. And the truth was, this wasn’t fake. This was something else. Something better. 

Something real.

Dinah reached up, intertwining her hands at the nape of Helena’s neck, grounding themselves there as their mouths moved in tandem, open and hot. The moment Dinah gingerly slipped her tongue against Helena’s own, it was like a fire erupted in the taller girl, and she moved her hands down, sliding them along Dinah’s sides before settling on her waist, wrapping her long fingers around toward the small of Dinah’s back.

Everything felt warm and good and like not enough but too much at the same time, but Helena didn’t have the mental capacity to think about it. She had other, more pressing things on her mind. 

Like the way Dinah let out a little groan when Helena’s teeth accidentally scraped her lower lip. So she did it again, desperately needing to hear the glorious sound once more. 

And how Dinah’s hands were tangled in her messy hair now, gripping and pulling and it felt so, so good, and she wanted to moan, but something in herself held it back.

How when Helena pushed her own tongue against Dinah’s, a whimper seemed to push itself out of the songbird’s throat, and it sounded like music and Helena needed more. She always needed more. Always, always, always--

Helena pulled back for an instant only to move her lips across Dinah’s jaw and down to her neck, and yeah, she had never done this before, so maybe she wasn’t sure if she was doing anything good, but the way Dinah clawed at Helena’s back and shoulders as Helena latched onto the straining cords of her songbird’s neck seemed to speak for itself.

Dinah tilted her head back to give Helena more room, and it made Helena feel like her body was on fire. Like she was being consumed by her desire, but she couldn’t stop now. Not when Dinah had asked like she was afraid Helena might say no. But how could she deny this feeling? How could she when it felt like this? Like home, like she was being held for the first time in a long time. Maybe she was weak. So be it.

As Helena sucked lightly on Dinah’s neck, her hands still holding tight to Dinah’s waist and feeling like they might burn holes through the silky material of her dress, the songbird let out another whimper. The sound infiltrated the wanton haze of Helena’s mind, and she pulled back with a light pop. She had to see Dinah, had to look at her and make sure this was really happening, that it wasn’t just some fever dream. In the back of her mind, she knew it felt too intense to just be a dream (too right but she wouldn’t say that), but Helena was a worrier and was still so new to all of this that the moment she thought about it, she had to make sure that she was doing okay.

But, looking into Dinah’s dark eyes and seeing her own desire reflected back, Helena almost felt bashful. Had she really been the one to put that look on Dinah’s face? Really? Had she been the one to make Dinah’s eyes hooded and her lips bruised and her hair mussed? 

For a moment they just stared at each other. Searching. Dinah’s fingers were still stroking through Helena’s curls and Helena’s hands had found a new home on the other girl’s waist, her fingers flexing, wanting to pull her closer but not knowing how now that the frenzied rush had ended. A softer feeling had taken over the air between them, though their breaths still came fast, their chests still heaved in sync (Helena briefly wondered if their hearts were beating out the same rhythm, but dismissed the thought before she could entertain it too much). 

Yes, the rush and the desperation-filled movements had slowed, but Helena could still feel that delicious burn, that pull in her lower stomach, the pressure in her core that paced like a caged panther. Did Dinah feel it too?

Helena slowly slid her right hand to Dinah’s front and up to where the girl’s chest had finally begun to slow it’s rapid movement, feeling first the cool silk under her fingers, followed by the hot skin exposed by the lowcut of the dress. She needed to know if Dinah was feeling this--this thing in the air and inside her body and in her head and on her mind and flowing through her veins every second of the day like Helena did. 

When Helena’s rough hand made contact with the soft skin over Dinah’s heart, both girls gasped, Dinah at the raw and unfiltered feeling of being touched by someone who had never touched anyone this way and was learning as she went and was learning so damn well that Dinah wanted to give her everything, and Helena at the quick but rhythmic staccato beat of Dinah’s heart against her palm that was so strong and somehow steady that it felt familiar, like a song that Helena had loved during her childhood or the sound of waves crashing against the shore or just the way Dinah spoke to her. It set Helena’s heart at ease and pushed back the voices, though Helena hadn’t even spared them a second thought until she noticed the calm silence. It was relief. Dinah did that. For her. 

Helena leaned down to rest her forehead against the other girl’s, closing her eyes and breathing deep, breathing it all in. It was like she could feel every single collision of atoms happening across the universe all at once, but somehow, it didn’t make her restless. She felt almost…. Whole.

Dinah brought her hands from Helena’s hair to her cheeks, stroking over her cheekbones, a silent way of asking if she was okay, if this was okay. And it was. 

So, even though it might’ve been a little stiff, a little awkward even (though how that was possible after what had just happened between them, neither could be sure), Helena pulled Dinah into a tight hug. It took a moment for Dinah to react, caught off guard by the sudden movement, but she fell into it easily. Everything always easy with them. 

Helena held tight, using the connection as a tether. To hold her down, to keep her head from floating away after everything that had just happened. She took comfort in the touch, knowing, or rather trying to accept, that it couldn’t exactly be like this from there on out. It could be dangerous. It could get in the way. And she had said she wouldn’t overthink it, so she wouldn’t. But still.

“Helena, I can practically hear you thinking,” Dinah said, smiling into the curve of Helena’s neck.

“Sorry. I just--nothing. I’m okay.” And she meant it.

“I was serious before, y’know? This can be it. I just wanted one last piece of something real before we go into this, and--”

“Dinah, really,” Helena said, pulling back but still resting her hands on the other girl, “I’m okay. You told me I wasn’t allowed to overthink it, and I keep my promises. Honestly, somehow, I don’t even feel the need to panic or anything. You just. You make me feel safe. Good. My head feels clear. I’m okay. I’m better than okay. With you.” 

Dinah flicked her eyes back and forth between the taller girl’s before hanging her head and pushing it into Helena’s chest, laughing a little. “God, Helena. You don’t even know what you do to me, do you.” 

Helena was confused, but didn’t really mind since she was making Dinah laugh. “No? I don’t know. I don’t think so.” 

“Yeah, that’s okay. But just so you know, you do, like, a lot.”

“Is that a good thing?” Helena asked, pushing Dinah back to be at arm’s length, intently looking at her to make sure they were okay, that whatever Dinah said was the truth.

“Yeah. It is. You are.” And she left it at that, smiling as she turned away, off to go see if Renee was ready and leaving Helena to bask in the words, to decide what to do with them.

And while Helena desperately wanted to sit in the warmth that Dinah carried with her into every crevice of any room she walked into, they had a job to do, and it was almost time to go. 

(Was Helena a good thing?)

(She wanted to be.)

(She wanted so badly to be gentle and good and more than she was and less of what she currently was. She didn’t know if she could.)

(But could she try? For Dinah?)

And now that Dinah was gone, she was less sure about what that meant and what she was capable of and her head wanted to cloud with the ghosts of her past, and it took so much to hold it off. All Helena could do was think about the night ahead and focus, focus, focus, fucking FOCUS. 

She put her hands over her eyes and counted to five. That was all she could do to prepare. And, god, did she need it. Tonight she had to do one of her least favorite things: shmooze. To put it plainly, it was gonna be a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, im sorry the gala isn't in this chapter, but i decided to split it into two so that i could feed you guys a little bit while i finish up the rest. 
> 
> i hope everyone is staying safe and being good to themselves and taking care of their mental health because that can be especially difficult during these crazy times. take care y'all xo
> 
> ps idk why i was thinking about it, but im gonna try my absolute hardest to keep putting out BOP/dinahelena content even after i finish this fic because i don't want this fandom to die (NOT that it is yet or anything, i know im speaking prematurely but still) and like, i love these characters so much and i think we deserve more of them. i just want yall to know im not goin anywhere just yet :)
> 
> pps as always, pls give me validation. im starved for it. mwah


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